So I saw my oncologist yesterday, both radiation and medical. Looks like I can come off steroids, YEAH!!!!!!!!! Have to stay on the seizure meds (I just wanted off those cuz I have taking meds!). Radiation is doing well, I think the majority of my issues are from tykerb, but I don't have an appetite and food tastes bad. So this time around, I'm not eating till I find something good, I'm just NOT gonna eat! I have 20 lbs to loose ( at least)! As for chemo, my doc consulted with a local expert in triple negative disease (which is the pathology of the cancer). Of the 4 samples they tested, 3 were triple negative and 1 HER2+. So, that makes a big difference in treatment, mainly that there are drugs targeted to the HER2 (which I'm currently taking). However, if my tumor is really triple negative, then there are different drugs I should take. Sooo, they are sending ALL my tissue samples to this doc and her pathologists to retest and confirm. So, after radiation ee'll discuss again!!
On a happy note: my house is empty and all my stud is on the new house. Just thrown in the house, but there nonetheless!!!!
The Chavez Family
Day of the Gamma Knife procedure 128//15
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Bad day
Wow! Yesterday I was down for the count. I had to have David drive me to radiation and then I spent the rest of the day in bed. I mean, I couldn't even sit up in bed!! In fact, both the little girls slept with me during the day too, so I think these past 2 weeks of moving has really done us in!! Fortunately, I woke up today with strength and ready to finish moving!! We're almost done and David has really done it all by himself, again!! When we moved from Harlingen to Dallas, he did the same thing!! After we get all the stuff in the house, I think we will live in chaos for awhile so we can relax!!!
Radiation treatment is going well. I'm not bothered by it, but my scalp is tender and food doesn't taste the same, and I don't really have an appetite. Good thing I have plenty of steroid-driven fat to live off of!! Hopefully I can get off the steroids for good next week. I find out my chemo plan today, so I'll let y'all know about that too.
I go back to work next week as well! I think my time off has been busier than life before ever was!!!
42 days cancer free. FIGHT LIKE A GIRL
Radiation treatment is going well. I'm not bothered by it, but my scalp is tender and food doesn't taste the same, and I don't really have an appetite. Good thing I have plenty of steroid-driven fat to live off of!! Hopefully I can get off the steroids for good next week. I find out my chemo plan today, so I'll let y'all know about that too.
I go back to work next week as well! I think my time off has been busier than life before ever was!!!
42 days cancer free. FIGHT LIKE A GIRL
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I must have a problem!
Why can't I ever slow down?
Is is that I have a problem organizing my life, or am I still in a little bit of denial? I think I want to stay busy because then it means I'm not sick, but on the other hand - why am I so busy if I'm not working right now? Holy cow! I did get a short nap today, though! That's a positive!
Well, didn't start radiation today. Today was the x-ray to make sure that the planning was accurate. It's really cool, the two Texas Oncology offices are battling on whose radiation plan is "better". I don't know all the technical things that make one plan better than the other, but regardless, it's pretty cool to know people are working hard to make the best treatment plan! So, tomorrow I will find out if I'll do my treatments at Dallas or at Charlton office. (They are both fairly close to the house, so it's no difference to me - except I don't have my buddies at the Charlton office!)
So, tomorrow afternoon will be R-day. I had the mask on today for the x-ray and it wasn't too bad, hopefully I'll be able to do my relaxation breaths, self-hypnotize and take a power nap!
33 days cancer-free FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!
Is is that I have a problem organizing my life, or am I still in a little bit of denial? I think I want to stay busy because then it means I'm not sick, but on the other hand - why am I so busy if I'm not working right now? Holy cow! I did get a short nap today, though! That's a positive!
Well, didn't start radiation today. Today was the x-ray to make sure that the planning was accurate. It's really cool, the two Texas Oncology offices are battling on whose radiation plan is "better". I don't know all the technical things that make one plan better than the other, but regardless, it's pretty cool to know people are working hard to make the best treatment plan! So, tomorrow I will find out if I'll do my treatments at Dallas or at Charlton office. (They are both fairly close to the house, so it's no difference to me - except I don't have my buddies at the Charlton office!)
So, tomorrow afternoon will be R-day. I had the mask on today for the x-ray and it wasn't too bad, hopefully I'll be able to do my relaxation breaths, self-hypnotize and take a power nap!
33 days cancer-free FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!
Radiation
So, we're back at home after David's graduation! It was so nice to see him complete his journey. He has spend 23 years in school and has gotten the range of dipolomas that academia has to offer: HS diploma, certificate, Associate's Degree, Bachelor's Degree and now Master's Degree. I'm gonna try to hold him off for awhile on the Medical Degree/PhD! I need a break!! Oh, and I need some money! He has already verbally accepted a job in the emergency department of a local hospital. We're really excited about that! He was really looking for a job in the ED!
So, the plan today is that I will start radiation. I spoke to my radiation oncologist yesterday. (I love her so much! She listens to everything I say and really takes it into consideration!) I have spots reserved for me at two locations, so see which location will be a better fit for what they are going to do for me. They are "sparing" or not radiating the hippocampus area. THis area is involved in memory - short-term and long-term. This was important for me because I didn't want to forget the detailed information that I teach, nor have problems incorporating new information into my classes. So, she got really detailed brain scans, mapped out the brain areas really well and then adjusted the radiation treatments to avoid that area! Isn't that amazing what we can do with technology!? And listening to patients!? Incredible! So, they will call me today with a time to go, and I will be doing 17 treatments. I've been told my hair will fall out about 2 weeks into treatment and the fatigue begins around then too. So, that will get me past the holidays!
I haven't really been thinking about radiation. It was hard to do the first round, like I said before, but now I know what to expect. I know it doesn't hurt and it goes pretty quickly. But, as I've said before, my coping technique is avoidance! It probably won't hit me until I'm there in the room with my hannibel lector mask strapped to my face!
I'll let y'all know how it goes, but so far I'm feeling okay!
33 days cancer-free FIGHT LIKE A GIRL
So, the plan today is that I will start radiation. I spoke to my radiation oncologist yesterday. (I love her so much! She listens to everything I say and really takes it into consideration!) I have spots reserved for me at two locations, so see which location will be a better fit for what they are going to do for me. They are "sparing" or not radiating the hippocampus area. THis area is involved in memory - short-term and long-term. This was important for me because I didn't want to forget the detailed information that I teach, nor have problems incorporating new information into my classes. So, she got really detailed brain scans, mapped out the brain areas really well and then adjusted the radiation treatments to avoid that area! Isn't that amazing what we can do with technology!? And listening to patients!? Incredible! So, they will call me today with a time to go, and I will be doing 17 treatments. I've been told my hair will fall out about 2 weeks into treatment and the fatigue begins around then too. So, that will get me past the holidays!
I haven't really been thinking about radiation. It was hard to do the first round, like I said before, but now I know what to expect. I know it doesn't hurt and it goes pretty quickly. But, as I've said before, my coping technique is avoidance! It probably won't hit me until I'm there in the room with my hannibel lector mask strapped to my face!
I'll let y'all know how it goes, but so far I'm feeling okay!
33 days cancer-free FIGHT LIKE A GIRL
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Ay-yi-yi: does it ever slow down?
Wow,
So many exciting things going on! David has completed school! YEAH!!! The only thing left is the actual graduation and banquet this weekend. He has a couple job possibilities that are very exciting, so we're really happy about that! But with graduation, comes....arranging on how to get 20 people down there at the same time (plus with the correct hair color and clothes - always important!) :P The other exciting change is the upcoming move! I'm so happy and grateful to have the opportunity to move into a MUCH bigger home. It is a really nice house (did I mention it was my sisters and since she's moving into a new home, she's letting me move into the old one?) So, not only am I moving, but she is too! So, that's 2 moves in the SAME WEEK!!! We are too crazy! I'll be happy once we're in because then I start radiation, so I'll have a nice big house to relax in, with separate rooms for the kids when I need to separate them!
Did my radiation simulation this week. Had to get a detailed brain MRI for it, which showed no new tumors - YEAH!!! I am so impressed at my treatment team! They have really listened to me and taken everything I have wanted into consideration. They are going to "spare" parts of my brain that would result in more cognitive impairment. It makes the treatments longer (like 20 minutes vs 5), but it does give me peace of mind that I will hopefully still be able to speak about the fetal oxy-hemoglobin disassociation curve! Radiation will most likely start next Tuesday. I still don't know if it'll be 15 or 20 days, but I'll know next week.
I'm back in physical therapy for lympedema in my arm. It is getting a little uncomfortable now and I get some numbness. I think it's cause of all the weight redistribution from steroids. It hurts to lift my arms up because I'm so fat!!! In fact, to be able to look down and see my mediport in my chest, I have to physically move my cheek! Isn't that so sad it's hilarious!! I also have a lot of swelling in my legs. I'm not sure if its from being fat or steroids? I've gained about 10 pounds, so I need to start controlling myself and not letting steroids be an excuse for me. I think I did pretty well today, so that's day 1! Everyday will be a challenge because I sure like those carbs!
So, onwards into the day. It's just about time to get up and get everyone ready for the day. My goal is to find a graduation outfit that downplays my chipmunk face! :)
28 days cancer-free FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!
So many exciting things going on! David has completed school! YEAH!!! The only thing left is the actual graduation and banquet this weekend. He has a couple job possibilities that are very exciting, so we're really happy about that! But with graduation, comes....arranging on how to get 20 people down there at the same time (plus with the correct hair color and clothes - always important!) :P The other exciting change is the upcoming move! I'm so happy and grateful to have the opportunity to move into a MUCH bigger home. It is a really nice house (did I mention it was my sisters and since she's moving into a new home, she's letting me move into the old one?) So, not only am I moving, but she is too! So, that's 2 moves in the SAME WEEK!!! We are too crazy! I'll be happy once we're in because then I start radiation, so I'll have a nice big house to relax in, with separate rooms for the kids when I need to separate them!
Did my radiation simulation this week. Had to get a detailed brain MRI for it, which showed no new tumors - YEAH!!! I am so impressed at my treatment team! They have really listened to me and taken everything I have wanted into consideration. They are going to "spare" parts of my brain that would result in more cognitive impairment. It makes the treatments longer (like 20 minutes vs 5), but it does give me peace of mind that I will hopefully still be able to speak about the fetal oxy-hemoglobin disassociation curve! Radiation will most likely start next Tuesday. I still don't know if it'll be 15 or 20 days, but I'll know next week.
I'm back in physical therapy for lympedema in my arm. It is getting a little uncomfortable now and I get some numbness. I think it's cause of all the weight redistribution from steroids. It hurts to lift my arms up because I'm so fat!!! In fact, to be able to look down and see my mediport in my chest, I have to physically move my cheek! Isn't that so sad it's hilarious!! I also have a lot of swelling in my legs. I'm not sure if its from being fat or steroids? I've gained about 10 pounds, so I need to start controlling myself and not letting steroids be an excuse for me. I think I did pretty well today, so that's day 1! Everyday will be a challenge because I sure like those carbs!
So, onwards into the day. It's just about time to get up and get everyone ready for the day. My goal is to find a graduation outfit that downplays my chipmunk face! :)
28 days cancer-free FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Gift Wrapping Party
Okay, so I promised to post about the gift wrapping party! CRAZY!!! All you ladies are crazy! I just can't believe the amount of stuff that was given to my family. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable because there are sooooo many families out there that are struggling. I always come back to the fact that y'all gave these gifts out of the goodness and generosity in your hearts to make this Christmas be as stress-free as possible for me. I soooo appreciate that! I'm trying to wrap my brain around that and just accept the gifts. It's hard, ladies! I'm telling you! I don't know if its hard because I want to be independent (I don't think so), because I want to be one giving to others (maybe a little) or because I want to be the honey badger (most likely).
It makes me start to psychoanalyze myself a little. Sooo, if you don't like psychoanalysis, you may want to skip this section! I think I have always wanted to "prove" myself worthy. To my parents, my friends, my co-workers...anyone. That I'm worthy of the love and attention they give me, etc. So, I do a lot to make sure I have done that. Maybe even go overboard. But while I like when people give me feedback that what I did was good, I still have this thought that I'm just barely getting by, barely doing the minimum. So, I know I always joke about how awesome I am, and how smart I am, but I think I say that because I don't really believe it. And when I joke about it, and people joke back with me, then I can "blow off" what they say as a joke. "See, we really don't think you're smart or awesome...we're all joking about it." kind of thing. So, all this support I'm getting now isn't a joke. It can't be played off as a joke, or something that isn't important. It shows that people are genuine and sincere in their donations. You are giving these gifts because it means something to you, that I meant something to you. And I think that is what is the hardest for me to accept. That I did have an impact. It's what I've thought about that I've wanted to accomplish for my life: to impact people and help them change (usually in a professional context). But I don't think I really thought that I did it. Then I received a card, out of the blue, from Brownsville telling me how much they appreciated my contribution to their unit. WOW! I have that card in my purse because I like to read it often. When I look at my list of what I wanted to accomplish, versus what I actually did, I see that I left many things out. But when you change perspective, I helped people accomplish a lot on their units.
I don't feel like I am doing anything special. I feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. But as I read other blogs about people with breast cancer I realize a couple things: 1: this spiritual "awakening" and re-prioritization of life are not unique to me! Everyone has these feelings and 2: most people are like I was in September 2010 - have a plan, wipe out cancer and never think about it again. The reality is starting to set in that I will never be able to forget I had cancer. It will be a constant battle. It's not an unwinable battle. It's just a constant: medical, diet, exercise, stress/priorities. My life will never be the same...My perspective has changed. Of course, we're still in the transitional phase. Some days are easier to accept the change than others. What do I want to do? How do I want to spend my time? These are questions that will need to be answered as I get stronger and better.
Okay, that's enough of all that. I don't really know what I said or what I was trying to say, but a least I can look back on this post and remember! Sooo, back to the party! My friend Kaley is such a surprise fanatic! She planned this huge thing where I had to go on a "treasure" hunt with clues. People: I just had brain surgery and I am on steroids. I just read a book, but those damn steroids effect your mood and concentration and my frustration tolerance is at an all time LOW! But, nevermind - Kaley made these little "clues" about where I could find my "surprise". So I had clues that revealed to me a $1, $5, $10, $20 and $50 bill, then came the big one. (I'm just gonna tell everyone - I required A LOT of help to find these surprises). The big surprise was the total amount from the bracelets: $2700!!!!!!!!!! All because of you guys! You guys love to sell!!! All you guys: from Baylor family, Methodist family, Brownsville family, my family AND strangers! It's ridiculously cool! (and as a side note, I don't know why I feel more comfortable with this and not with the gifts?) It was amazing! I'm putting that money in savings. Right now I am using all the donations and bracelet money to pay bills. I've run out of my PTO/sick time. So, we expect that David should have a job by the end of February because he needs his license and DEA number first. Whatever is left over will cover medical expenses. We'll start a new year with a new deductible soon, so we'll have some immediate bills.
So, back to the gifts....there are so many that it fills up the entire back of the Tahoe: back seat and trunk! It was amazing! I don't know what the kids said because I left to California very early the next day. I'm actually still here. I leave tomorrow to go back to reality!
It was a great trip in Venice Beach with my friend Nancy. She's the only friend from college I keep in touch with! That's a lasting friendship! I got to walk around her really great neighborhood and imagine a different life (with my family) and how awesome it would be (of course, reality never matches the dream, but it seems like a nice dream). I got my first ever Thai massage, I got a haircut, I rode a bike (haven't done that in a long time either!). Best of all, I got to really have adult conversations with my friend. It was great and relaxing and I wanna do it again! Stay away cancer so I can go visit all my friends in cool cities! (Like New Orleans, Kim!)
So, tomorrow I leave..and I'll probably need to bug Nancy to get up and take me (she is not a morning person!) :))) (That's the best I can do for a smiley - remember what happened last time?), so I need to go to bed!
I learned this in a blog I was reading...I will use the same sign-off for all my posts now. I think it's cool
24 Days Cancer-free Fight Like a Girl!
It makes me start to psychoanalyze myself a little. Sooo, if you don't like psychoanalysis, you may want to skip this section! I think I have always wanted to "prove" myself worthy. To my parents, my friends, my co-workers...anyone. That I'm worthy of the love and attention they give me, etc. So, I do a lot to make sure I have done that. Maybe even go overboard. But while I like when people give me feedback that what I did was good, I still have this thought that I'm just barely getting by, barely doing the minimum. So, I know I always joke about how awesome I am, and how smart I am, but I think I say that because I don't really believe it. And when I joke about it, and people joke back with me, then I can "blow off" what they say as a joke. "See, we really don't think you're smart or awesome...we're all joking about it." kind of thing. So, all this support I'm getting now isn't a joke. It can't be played off as a joke, or something that isn't important. It shows that people are genuine and sincere in their donations. You are giving these gifts because it means something to you, that I meant something to you. And I think that is what is the hardest for me to accept. That I did have an impact. It's what I've thought about that I've wanted to accomplish for my life: to impact people and help them change (usually in a professional context). But I don't think I really thought that I did it. Then I received a card, out of the blue, from Brownsville telling me how much they appreciated my contribution to their unit. WOW! I have that card in my purse because I like to read it often. When I look at my list of what I wanted to accomplish, versus what I actually did, I see that I left many things out. But when you change perspective, I helped people accomplish a lot on their units.
I don't feel like I am doing anything special. I feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. But as I read other blogs about people with breast cancer I realize a couple things: 1: this spiritual "awakening" and re-prioritization of life are not unique to me! Everyone has these feelings and 2: most people are like I was in September 2010 - have a plan, wipe out cancer and never think about it again. The reality is starting to set in that I will never be able to forget I had cancer. It will be a constant battle. It's not an unwinable battle. It's just a constant: medical, diet, exercise, stress/priorities. My life will never be the same...My perspective has changed. Of course, we're still in the transitional phase. Some days are easier to accept the change than others. What do I want to do? How do I want to spend my time? These are questions that will need to be answered as I get stronger and better.
Okay, that's enough of all that. I don't really know what I said or what I was trying to say, but a least I can look back on this post and remember! Sooo, back to the party! My friend Kaley is such a surprise fanatic! She planned this huge thing where I had to go on a "treasure" hunt with clues. People: I just had brain surgery and I am on steroids. I just read a book, but those damn steroids effect your mood and concentration and my frustration tolerance is at an all time LOW! But, nevermind - Kaley made these little "clues" about where I could find my "surprise". So I had clues that revealed to me a $1, $5, $10, $20 and $50 bill, then came the big one. (I'm just gonna tell everyone - I required A LOT of help to find these surprises). The big surprise was the total amount from the bracelets: $2700!!!!!!!!!! All because of you guys! You guys love to sell!!! All you guys: from Baylor family, Methodist family, Brownsville family, my family AND strangers! It's ridiculously cool! (and as a side note, I don't know why I feel more comfortable with this and not with the gifts?) It was amazing! I'm putting that money in savings. Right now I am using all the donations and bracelet money to pay bills. I've run out of my PTO/sick time. So, we expect that David should have a job by the end of February because he needs his license and DEA number first. Whatever is left over will cover medical expenses. We'll start a new year with a new deductible soon, so we'll have some immediate bills.
So, back to the gifts....there are so many that it fills up the entire back of the Tahoe: back seat and trunk! It was amazing! I don't know what the kids said because I left to California very early the next day. I'm actually still here. I leave tomorrow to go back to reality!
It was a great trip in Venice Beach with my friend Nancy. She's the only friend from college I keep in touch with! That's a lasting friendship! I got to walk around her really great neighborhood and imagine a different life (with my family) and how awesome it would be (of course, reality never matches the dream, but it seems like a nice dream). I got my first ever Thai massage, I got a haircut, I rode a bike (haven't done that in a long time either!). Best of all, I got to really have adult conversations with my friend. It was great and relaxing and I wanna do it again! Stay away cancer so I can go visit all my friends in cool cities! (Like New Orleans, Kim!)
So, tomorrow I leave..and I'll probably need to bug Nancy to get up and take me (she is not a morning person!) :))) (That's the best I can do for a smiley - remember what happened last time?), so I need to go to bed!
I learned this in a blog I was reading...I will use the same sign-off for all my posts now. I think it's cool
24 Days Cancer-free Fight Like a Girl!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
What a week!
So it's finally Saturday: officially 23 days cancer free!
Last week was busy with the garage sale, this week was busy with my brother in town and reviewing David's paper to make sure he graduates!! Finally, I will have a little break! I'm headed to California (in about 5 hours actually) for some relaxation! I'm excited to sleep in, take a nap, sit at the beach and watch my friend surf (if she wants). It'll be a nice trip!
Wow, what all have I done this week? Getting better at morning routine with the girls. Have to find a way to fit in the walk after I take the girls to school. THis week we thought our puppies had parvo and were going to die. However, another miracle has occurred and they are healthy? Maybe it was a false positive test, maybe God intervened; but regardless, our puppies are thriving! So, my mornings are very busy with puppy duty and getting the girls ready for school. How did I create such slloooowwww creatures? They eat slow, dress slow, brush hair/teeth slow. Is this normal? Have I just lived at a faster pace for too long? Wow...how annoying!!!
This was also the week for Christmas programs. All the girls had their holiday programs, plus we were able to get pictures with Santa for a very reasonable price at Lili's preschool: First Presbyterian Preschool in Arlington, TX. I will always promote them because they are AWESOME!!!
Another fun thing about this week was that my brother came into town. Now, I haven't seen Sam, my younger brother, for about 3 years. We're not a big talking family (I use up all my talking with my hispanic family! They talk for about 3 people each!) So, it was really nice to reconnect with him and catch him up on all that I've been going through and processing. We also got to gossip about our parents and compare notes. This way we can learn from each other's mistakes! :)
Physically, I've started the wean off the steroids. I think I'm a little sensitive to the steroids because other people have been on higher doses than me and not had all my symptoms. Therefore, I suppose that I started to experience withdrawal: headaches and lethargy/fatigue. It's so confusing because the main symptoms I'm having could be due to the steroids OR due to brain swelling! Which came first, the chicken or the egg??? I guess it's basically a moot point since I'll need to be on steroids again during radiation. I thought maybe I could hold off until I have symptoms.....but greater minds prevailed and lead me to see the light. I just hate admitting that I'm sick...or need medicine...or really need any kind of medical treatment! Besides the fear of the unknown to come, I think I really hate those moments when I have to admit I'm sick. I hate saying that - "sick". I need to come up with a better word - any suggestions? health-challenged? I saw the radiation oncologist this week and told her I would do the whole brain radiation. We're going to try to spare the hippocampus area, which will help reduce the possibility of cognitive dysfunction, and that's a pretty rare area for recurrence. I'll start when we get back from David's graduation on 12/20 and go for either 15 or 20 days. I got the pathology back of the brain tumor and that tumor is triple negative like the original tumor. Soooo, I'm not sure how long or even if I'll stay on the Tykerb and/or Herceptin. I"m thinking the Herceptin since the recurrence was HER2+, but maybe not the Tykerb (which is the oral medication I now take every day). According to my studies, my HER2 status is only "mildly" positive, so ever Herceptin is not as beneficial to me as say someone who is "strongly" positive. I'll meet with my medical oncologist at the end of the month to plan out the chemo. For radiation, it's the same type of side effects as before: I'll lose my hair, but they say more like after 2 weeks. Redness/burning/peeling of the skin on the scalp. I didn't have too many problems before and if I was red on Friday, by Monday I was a normal color again. Debating about getting my hair cut...I have the graduation and I wanna look nice, but jeesh - I'm gonna loose it all a couple weeks, why spend the money!?! There are other side effects: loss of appetite (I'm actually hoping for that one to counteract the steroid effects), nausea/vomiting, hearing issues, and fatigue.
I'm having some lymphedema issues. I think it's because the steroids are causing fat deposits to change and it affects my arm. I had my PT appointment today and I love those! I always feel better afterwards. But, now I'm wearing my sleeve again, looking like a dork! I think the worse side effect is the moon face. My face and neck are sooo smooth and puffy when I touch them. I have this beautiful double chin! It's sooo icky and I hate that people look at me and think this is what I really look like! ARGGG!! Here is my vanity coming out! Moon face, bloating and weight gain. Isn't cancer supposed to make you loose weight?? Oh, yes, of course: not breast cancer! Doesn't being overweight increase your risk of recurrence: of course it does! Doesn't obesity make you pay higher insurance premiums: of course it does! How FUN!
So, now the tiredness is setting in! I need to lay down and get a couple hours of sleep (of course I'll sleep on the plane as well!) I'm so excited about this weekend and getting to relax, and then about next week not having ANYTHING planned!!!! More rest!!!!
Last note: Chrismas gift wrapping party was last night and OMG!!! What crazy friends I have!!! I will make sure the next post is all about the party!
Last week was busy with the garage sale, this week was busy with my brother in town and reviewing David's paper to make sure he graduates!! Finally, I will have a little break! I'm headed to California (in about 5 hours actually) for some relaxation! I'm excited to sleep in, take a nap, sit at the beach and watch my friend surf (if she wants). It'll be a nice trip!
Wow, what all have I done this week? Getting better at morning routine with the girls. Have to find a way to fit in the walk after I take the girls to school. THis week we thought our puppies had parvo and were going to die. However, another miracle has occurred and they are healthy? Maybe it was a false positive test, maybe God intervened; but regardless, our puppies are thriving! So, my mornings are very busy with puppy duty and getting the girls ready for school. How did I create such slloooowwww creatures? They eat slow, dress slow, brush hair/teeth slow. Is this normal? Have I just lived at a faster pace for too long? Wow...how annoying!!!
This was also the week for Christmas programs. All the girls had their holiday programs, plus we were able to get pictures with Santa for a very reasonable price at Lili's preschool: First Presbyterian Preschool in Arlington, TX. I will always promote them because they are AWESOME!!!
Another fun thing about this week was that my brother came into town. Now, I haven't seen Sam, my younger brother, for about 3 years. We're not a big talking family (I use up all my talking with my hispanic family! They talk for about 3 people each!) So, it was really nice to reconnect with him and catch him up on all that I've been going through and processing. We also got to gossip about our parents and compare notes. This way we can learn from each other's mistakes! :)
Physically, I've started the wean off the steroids. I think I'm a little sensitive to the steroids because other people have been on higher doses than me and not had all my symptoms. Therefore, I suppose that I started to experience withdrawal: headaches and lethargy/fatigue. It's so confusing because the main symptoms I'm having could be due to the steroids OR due to brain swelling! Which came first, the chicken or the egg??? I guess it's basically a moot point since I'll need to be on steroids again during radiation. I thought maybe I could hold off until I have symptoms.....but greater minds prevailed and lead me to see the light. I just hate admitting that I'm sick...or need medicine...or really need any kind of medical treatment! Besides the fear of the unknown to come, I think I really hate those moments when I have to admit I'm sick. I hate saying that - "sick". I need to come up with a better word - any suggestions? health-challenged? I saw the radiation oncologist this week and told her I would do the whole brain radiation. We're going to try to spare the hippocampus area, which will help reduce the possibility of cognitive dysfunction, and that's a pretty rare area for recurrence. I'll start when we get back from David's graduation on 12/20 and go for either 15 or 20 days. I got the pathology back of the brain tumor and that tumor is triple negative like the original tumor. Soooo, I'm not sure how long or even if I'll stay on the Tykerb and/or Herceptin. I"m thinking the Herceptin since the recurrence was HER2+, but maybe not the Tykerb (which is the oral medication I now take every day). According to my studies, my HER2 status is only "mildly" positive, so ever Herceptin is not as beneficial to me as say someone who is "strongly" positive. I'll meet with my medical oncologist at the end of the month to plan out the chemo. For radiation, it's the same type of side effects as before: I'll lose my hair, but they say more like after 2 weeks. Redness/burning/peeling of the skin on the scalp. I didn't have too many problems before and if I was red on Friday, by Monday I was a normal color again. Debating about getting my hair cut...I have the graduation and I wanna look nice, but jeesh - I'm gonna loose it all a couple weeks, why spend the money!?! There are other side effects: loss of appetite (I'm actually hoping for that one to counteract the steroid effects), nausea/vomiting, hearing issues, and fatigue.
I'm having some lymphedema issues. I think it's because the steroids are causing fat deposits to change and it affects my arm. I had my PT appointment today and I love those! I always feel better afterwards. But, now I'm wearing my sleeve again, looking like a dork! I think the worse side effect is the moon face. My face and neck are sooo smooth and puffy when I touch them. I have this beautiful double chin! It's sooo icky and I hate that people look at me and think this is what I really look like! ARGGG!! Here is my vanity coming out! Moon face, bloating and weight gain. Isn't cancer supposed to make you loose weight?? Oh, yes, of course: not breast cancer! Doesn't being overweight increase your risk of recurrence: of course it does! Doesn't obesity make you pay higher insurance premiums: of course it does! How FUN!
So, now the tiredness is setting in! I need to lay down and get a couple hours of sleep (of course I'll sleep on the plane as well!) I'm so excited about this weekend and getting to relax, and then about next week not having ANYTHING planned!!!! More rest!!!!
Last note: Chrismas gift wrapping party was last night and OMG!!! What crazy friends I have!!! I will make sure the next post is all about the party!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Health Updates
So, it appears that each treatment will bring different side effects! A surprise each week! Last week mouth sores, this week more nail issues. Lots more fatigue this week. I don't know if that's from treatment or because the steroids are coming down. It's nice to sleep, but it was also really nice to get lots done!! It seemed like I needed all that time to get stuff done! Of course, that's a little counter to what I've been saying right - prioritize and slow down??? It's always hard to take my own advise!! As my office-mate can attest to, I'm good at sounding like I know what I'm doing, but not really at actually doing it!!! I also picked up my Tykerb today, to start tomorrow morning. This is another targeted therapy against the HER2+ receptor. It's a small enough molecule that it crosses the blood-brain barrier. So that should help prevent brain recurrences while the herceptin should prevent systemic recurrences. It's an oral agent, so I take it in pill form. I think that makes it harder to do than the IV stuff. At least with IV, somebody else is doing it to you. Now, I'm doing it to myself!! I remember being pregnant and just taking Flintstones chewables was difficult to remember!!! Life is sure a lot different. It makes me think about the radiation to come. I don't like to think of myself as a "sick" person. In fact, I don't think of myself as that. In fact I think I'm refusing to say I'm sick! But, will I be able to keep it up during radiation and chemo? I think I might get a little bit of a reality check and I don't want one!! I like living in my little world where everything I want I get!! Don't we all love that world??? In that world, I don't ask to not have cancer, I just am able to complete every goal I ever wanted to complete! Good mother, wife, employee, sister, human! I so hate letting people down!!! That's probably what I
The most apprehensive about radiation: I don't know how much I will let people down! It's always the fear of the unknown. I'm gonna remember the saying I used a lot before: it doesn't do any good to worry about the future. If what you worry about happens, you've worried twice! If it doesn't, you wasted your time worrying for nothing!!
Okay, so let's move forward!! My brother just got into town and I'm gonna enjoy my 3 days reconnecting with my "little" brother!!!
The most apprehensive about radiation: I don't know how much I will let people down! It's always the fear of the unknown. I'm gonna remember the saying I used a lot before: it doesn't do any good to worry about the future. If what you worry about happens, you've worried twice! If it doesn't, you wasted your time worrying for nothing!!
Okay, so let's move forward!! My brother just got into town and I'm gonna enjoy my 3 days reconnecting with my "little" brother!!!
Garage sale
So the garage sale was a huge success, despite the bad weather!! We had tons of donations - Thank You Everyone!!! I sold about $900!!! We did a little more sales on Dunday, but not much. This week my sister and I are gonna take baby items and clothes to the consignment stores and I'm gonna take pictures of the collectibles and housewares items to sell on eBay. You guys have been so awesome at getting me stuff to sell!! I so appreciate it!! Thank you to my Baylor Grapevine gals for helping out and hanging out with me!!
A HUGE hug to my wonderful sister, who basically did everything!!! She organized, priced, sold and lived in a crazy house for a week!! All this with a newborn!! She totally rocks!!
Funny story: she made me stop selling! I was helping a lady and telling her that the toys were like $0.25 each. I wasn't adding well or something, but they felt I was just "giving" the stuff away, so my friend Paula runs to Linda about it and afterwards, I'm not allowed to give prices!!!
But that's nothing new, I never know how much something is worth. To me, if it's important, I'll pay what they ask. If I'm giving it away, then whatever they wanna pay I think is fine.
Another Andrea mishap: lady came said she was gonna buy the sofa, but she needed to go get cash. So she left and another guy came and had cash to take it. I said, "No, the lady said she'd be back. So I didn't let the guy have the sofa. I was having faith! Did the lady return ..... NOPE!!!! So, we lost out on that!! When it comes to money, I am a dingaling!!!
Good thing my sister is a money-making machine!!! She's the reason I have all that money!!! Thank you!!!
And thank you again to ALL the wonderful people who donated stuff. I appreciate it sooo much! And I know you fell good about de-cluttering because I love an organized house!!
A HUGE hug to my wonderful sister, who basically did everything!!! She organized, priced, sold and lived in a crazy house for a week!! All this with a newborn!! She totally rocks!!
Funny story: she made me stop selling! I was helping a lady and telling her that the toys were like $0.25 each. I wasn't adding well or something, but they felt I was just "giving" the stuff away, so my friend Paula runs to Linda about it and afterwards, I'm not allowed to give prices!!!
But that's nothing new, I never know how much something is worth. To me, if it's important, I'll pay what they ask. If I'm giving it away, then whatever they wanna pay I think is fine.
Another Andrea mishap: lady came said she was gonna buy the sofa, but she needed to go get cash. So she left and another guy came and had cash to take it. I said, "No, the lady said she'd be back. So I didn't let the guy have the sofa. I was having faith! Did the lady return ..... NOPE!!!! So, we lost out on that!! When it comes to money, I am a dingaling!!!
Good thing my sister is a money-making machine!!! She's the reason I have all that money!!! Thank you!!!
And thank you again to ALL the wonderful people who donated stuff. I appreciate it sooo much! And I know you fell good about de-cluttering because I love an organized house!!
Friday, December 2, 2011
What a Day!
Oh my gosh, I'm so tired my head hurts. But, I have to post this because I am so excited! My amazing honey badger best friend arranged a huge surprise. I am so speechless because I cannot keep a secret, so this is even more amazing to me! She arranged that David was able to fly back here on a buddy ticket. David got up at 0200 (usually that's when he's going to bed!), drove to Laredo, TX from McAllen (about 4 hours), so he could get on the first flight to Dallas. His friend picked him up and they went to my work/hospital because I had some doctor appointments and a treatment today. He went to my room - not there. Calling me up: "Where are you?" "Getting my sutures removed from my head." "Okay, let me call you in a sec, I'm about to eat." So David stakes out how I'll head back to my room for treatment and sits and waits for me. I take a detour to get a water and I don't even see him! He walks up to me and says, "Hey, what's up?" You know, it takes me a minute to realize that it's him......"Hey, OMG! What are you doing here?!?!?!?!" It was such a wonderful surprise! I was TOTALLY surprised! I had absolutely NO idea. And it was wonderful! He stayed with me during treatment. We took a nap together, he was with me all afternoon. We have spent so much time together since the latest diagnosis, that this separation has been a little hard on me (I miss hanging out with him - he's really fun to hang out with!) {If you ask David, he will love to tell you the story about how I never missed him when we were separated with the military and then when he was deployed. When he came back I told him "I need to get to know you again." Wasn't I an awful wife back then??? I hope I've made it up to him!}
I also have to say to my sister: WOW!!!! She worked so hard today getting the garage sale together and organized and I did not help AT ALL! She did it completely by herself, with a little baby! AND, people started coming to buy stuff! She wasn't even ready and she has people crawling through her house trying to buy her very own stuff! Like, looking in her kitchen cabinets and stuff! She was amazing and sold lots of stuff while organizing stuff. Mireya: you are amazing and I love you!
Okay, off to bed because I can't keep my eyes open. Talk to y'all laters........
I also have to say to my sister: WOW!!!! She worked so hard today getting the garage sale together and organized and I did not help AT ALL! She did it completely by herself, with a little baby! AND, people started coming to buy stuff! She wasn't even ready and she has people crawling through her house trying to buy her very own stuff! Like, looking in her kitchen cabinets and stuff! She was amazing and sold lots of stuff while organizing stuff. Mireya: you are amazing and I love you!
Okay, off to bed because I can't keep my eyes open. Talk to y'all laters........
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Garage Sale Saga
I just have to say: WOW! I have so much stuff to sell for my garage sale. And it keeps coming! I just can't believe all the people that have donated their belongings to help support me. I just want to comments on the Christian spirit these people have. Out of their own hearts, with no thoughts of recognition or reward, they have donated their time (to find things to donate, to bring it to my house) and their possessions to assist me. I know people are not looking for a thank you....but I freely give it. It is very humbling for me to see how many people are supporting me. Thank you!
The plan is to still have the garage sale on Saturday, even though the forecast is rain. We're not sure if we can fit everything in the garage and house, but we'll do the best we can. We'll probably look into having a big sale at our church where things can be set out a little better and more open. Plus, we might be able to pick a day with better weather and better timing.
I have to give a HUGE shout-out to my sister: Linda Mireya. She has done the majority of the work for this garage sale: we're using her house, so she barely has room to walk there is so much stuff! She's cleaned out her garage, cleaned the garage, organized the donations and clothes, priced the donations, arranged the donations in the garage. Basically: she's done it all. And she's done this while taking care of her newborn and ME!!! She ROCKS!!! She isn't a honey badger, but she definitely is in a class all her own. I love you, soul sister!
This makes me think about accepting help. People have been telling me that it's good for me to accept help, and that I never did before. I don't think I can agree with that. I think I've been helped tremendously for the last 10 years! I have had my mother-in-law living with me and helping me since my oldest was born. I've had help with raising my kids. She helps with cooking, cleaning, washing clothes (her favorite thing). Anytime I need to leave by myself or with David, she is there to take care of the girls. In fact, she has spent more time with me in the last 10 years than with her own children. How can I say that I am independent and don't accept help, when in fact, I have never really been alone? I have always had family around (including my sister, husband, and brother-in-law)? This is where I just shake my head in wonder and amazement at what the Lord has provided for me. I just can't comprehend why these wonderful things happen to me, but I will happily (albeit, baffled) accept it. And yes, you read it right: these wonderful things that have happened to me. I don't look at myself with woe and remorse - "why me, why cancer?" I look at this as such a positive and wonderful thing that has happened. It really is. I have seen and met so many wonderful people. I have opportunities I didn't think I had before this. I am really so lucky to be right here, today and I just want to grab the day and live it large and positively.
It's been a good week this week. I'm 14 days cancer-free today. Now the goal is to multiply that by 750!! (That makes 30 years according to Google).
I have a busy day tomorrow: I get my sutures removed from my head. It's weird because I can't see them, so they are really "out of sight - out of mind" for me. I don't even notice them. I also have my Herceptin treatment tomorrow. This will be treatment #7 of infinity. I got a letter saying that I've been approved for Tykerb, so I just need to find time to get to that clinic to pick up the prescription. It looks like right now it won't be too expensive to fill. I guess we'll have to see come the following year and the insurance changes. Of course, the best part of tomorrow is my PT appointment for lymphadema. I always feel better after those! My arm is swollen because I don't have any lymph nodes on that side. Of course, they started that d**m arterial line, so I still have some swelling.
After that, I do get some fun: I'll be heading to Baylor Grapevine to say hi to all my peeps and then get to taste some awesome cookies at Whitney Johnson's NEW house. exciting!
Another long day, but I like those. It seems that even when I'm not working - I'm still super busy! How does that happen? It makes me realize how much I was letting slide in the name of being a "professional" I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity to improve myself as a mother and person.
Another great thing that happened today: David got a pretty interesting job opportunity. I think it sounds pretty good on paper, but we need more information. I'm excited for the possibilities, but then again - I always am! :)
Okay, so I'm on my own getting the girls ready for school tomorrow, so I'm going head to bed. I'm actually sleeping like 5 hours now that I've decreased the steroids! Can't wait for the next halving of the dosage (Saturday)!!
Good night lovelies!
The plan is to still have the garage sale on Saturday, even though the forecast is rain. We're not sure if we can fit everything in the garage and house, but we'll do the best we can. We'll probably look into having a big sale at our church where things can be set out a little better and more open. Plus, we might be able to pick a day with better weather and better timing.
I have to give a HUGE shout-out to my sister: Linda Mireya. She has done the majority of the work for this garage sale: we're using her house, so she barely has room to walk there is so much stuff! She's cleaned out her garage, cleaned the garage, organized the donations and clothes, priced the donations, arranged the donations in the garage. Basically: she's done it all. And she's done this while taking care of her newborn and ME!!! She ROCKS!!! She isn't a honey badger, but she definitely is in a class all her own. I love you, soul sister!
This makes me think about accepting help. People have been telling me that it's good for me to accept help, and that I never did before. I don't think I can agree with that. I think I've been helped tremendously for the last 10 years! I have had my mother-in-law living with me and helping me since my oldest was born. I've had help with raising my kids. She helps with cooking, cleaning, washing clothes (her favorite thing). Anytime I need to leave by myself or with David, she is there to take care of the girls. In fact, she has spent more time with me in the last 10 years than with her own children. How can I say that I am independent and don't accept help, when in fact, I have never really been alone? I have always had family around (including my sister, husband, and brother-in-law)? This is where I just shake my head in wonder and amazement at what the Lord has provided for me. I just can't comprehend why these wonderful things happen to me, but I will happily (albeit, baffled) accept it. And yes, you read it right: these wonderful things that have happened to me. I don't look at myself with woe and remorse - "why me, why cancer?" I look at this as such a positive and wonderful thing that has happened. It really is. I have seen and met so many wonderful people. I have opportunities I didn't think I had before this. I am really so lucky to be right here, today and I just want to grab the day and live it large and positively.
It's been a good week this week. I'm 14 days cancer-free today. Now the goal is to multiply that by 750!! (That makes 30 years according to Google).
I have a busy day tomorrow: I get my sutures removed from my head. It's weird because I can't see them, so they are really "out of sight - out of mind" for me. I don't even notice them. I also have my Herceptin treatment tomorrow. This will be treatment #7 of infinity. I got a letter saying that I've been approved for Tykerb, so I just need to find time to get to that clinic to pick up the prescription. It looks like right now it won't be too expensive to fill. I guess we'll have to see come the following year and the insurance changes. Of course, the best part of tomorrow is my PT appointment for lymphadema. I always feel better after those! My arm is swollen because I don't have any lymph nodes on that side. Of course, they started that d**m arterial line, so I still have some swelling.
After that, I do get some fun: I'll be heading to Baylor Grapevine to say hi to all my peeps and then get to taste some awesome cookies at Whitney Johnson's NEW house. exciting!
Another long day, but I like those. It seems that even when I'm not working - I'm still super busy! How does that happen? It makes me realize how much I was letting slide in the name of being a "professional" I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity to improve myself as a mother and person.
Another great thing that happened today: David got a pretty interesting job opportunity. I think it sounds pretty good on paper, but we need more information. I'm excited for the possibilities, but then again - I always am! :)
Okay, so I'm on my own getting the girls ready for school tomorrow, so I'm going head to bed. I'm actually sleeping like 5 hours now that I've decreased the steroids! Can't wait for the next halving of the dosage (Saturday)!!
Good night lovelies!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Garage Sale
WOW!!!!
I just have to say how wonderfully blessed I am! I have so much awesome stuff for the garage sale, that it is just going to be so successful! I can't wait!!! I have sofas, filing cabinets, lawn equipment, guy stuff, housewares, decorating stuff, TONS of baby stuff and toys, clothes (high end stuff too!). It's gonna be awesome. Thank you all so much who have donated stuff, and even priced it because you know how my mathematical faculties are off!
I am sooo excited to do this garage sale! It's gonna be so much fun!
So, as you all know: I love to organize! Make lists, throw things out, put like things together....so organizing for the garage sale is right up my alley. I can thank my mother for this obsession of mine! I didn't get a chance to walk yesterday or today because I was so busy, but I was walking and standing all day organizing, so we'll play that off as even. I will be walking tomorrow, though!
It's been an eye-opening week as far as being a stay-at-home mom. It's made me realize that I really need to be more consistent with the girls. I'm glad I have this opportunity to do that! The one that needs a lot of attention right now is Yerena!!! My drama queen! She knows the rules, but she is sooo sneaky at trying to get around them. "I just forgot, I got confused!" are her go-to responses! So, today she got into a little bit of trouble and we're working on her discipline/punishment. Ahh, the joys of parenting! I'm a little embarrassed to say that my kids definitely need more! So, again: I'm here, I'm present and I'm making the changes that are needed to improve my life AND the life of the future. I wanna raise my children to be as "*wonderful*" as me! And I would insert a funny smiley, but that will frustrate me too much!
So what else is on my mind? 13 days cancer-free!
Got approved with insurance for Tykerb, so I'll get that drug tomorrow. (That's the drug that hits HER2 positive tumors and crosses the blood-brain barrier.
Had a huge blessing happen today. It is so miraculous on how it happened. So, yesterday David and I are going through the bills and realizing that we might not have the money to make an automatic payment (just because of timing issues). We were scrambling to transfer some monies around and I'm thinking of what we'll make on the garage sale/bracelet sales to help make bills. Then, out of the blue I receive a donation from the blog that helps resolve a lot of issues. I can't say anything else but the Lord provides when needed!
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.
I just have to say how wonderfully blessed I am! I have so much awesome stuff for the garage sale, that it is just going to be so successful! I can't wait!!! I have sofas, filing cabinets, lawn equipment, guy stuff, housewares, decorating stuff, TONS of baby stuff and toys, clothes (high end stuff too!). It's gonna be awesome. Thank you all so much who have donated stuff, and even priced it because you know how my mathematical faculties are off!
I am sooo excited to do this garage sale! It's gonna be so much fun!
So, as you all know: I love to organize! Make lists, throw things out, put like things together....so organizing for the garage sale is right up my alley. I can thank my mother for this obsession of mine! I didn't get a chance to walk yesterday or today because I was so busy, but I was walking and standing all day organizing, so we'll play that off as even. I will be walking tomorrow, though!
It's been an eye-opening week as far as being a stay-at-home mom. It's made me realize that I really need to be more consistent with the girls. I'm glad I have this opportunity to do that! The one that needs a lot of attention right now is Yerena!!! My drama queen! She knows the rules, but she is sooo sneaky at trying to get around them. "I just forgot, I got confused!" are her go-to responses! So, today she got into a little bit of trouble and we're working on her discipline/punishment. Ahh, the joys of parenting! I'm a little embarrassed to say that my kids definitely need more! So, again: I'm here, I'm present and I'm making the changes that are needed to improve my life AND the life of the future. I wanna raise my children to be as "*wonderful*" as me! And I would insert a funny smiley, but that will frustrate me too much!
So what else is on my mind? 13 days cancer-free!
Got approved with insurance for Tykerb, so I'll get that drug tomorrow. (That's the drug that hits HER2 positive tumors and crosses the blood-brain barrier.
Had a huge blessing happen today. It is so miraculous on how it happened. So, yesterday David and I are going through the bills and realizing that we might not have the money to make an automatic payment (just because of timing issues). We were scrambling to transfer some monies around and I'm thinking of what we'll make on the garage sale/bracelet sales to help make bills. Then, out of the blue I receive a donation from the blog that helps resolve a lot of issues. I can't say anything else but the Lord provides when needed!
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.
Okay, so I've posted, kids are asleep (2/3 of them at another house) and I am off to sleep alone in my bed. What blessings! Hopefully I'll sleep ALL night!
I love my life! :) :) :) I love my family :) :) :) I love my friends :) :) :)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
New Treatment Plan
So, I think I'm ready to post about Monday 11/28/2011. Eleven days cancer-free and the day the "latest" treatment plan. I don't know why it seems like such a big deal...as I look back, I have made these type of decision too many times! Remember when my Baylor friends staged an intervention to light a fire under me to get treatment started? That was supposed to be the big decision: chemo versus surgery. How many treatment decisions have I made since then.......Too many to count! And of course it always seems like the current decision is the most scary, or important, or biggest decision of all.
So, just to let everyone know the typical treatment, for each "diagnosis" I've had, the general plan has been a combination of surgery to remove the tumor, radiation to clear the local area of the cancer and chemo to clear the possible wide spread of the cancer. For me, surgery was really scary, but chemo no, so chemo is always an "easy" choice for me. Turns out, radiation is really scary for me too1 When I was recommended to do radiation on the original breast tumor, I was shocked. My breast surgeon and medical oncologist had prepared me that I didn't require it (I only had 1 lymph node positive out of 11 that they took). It was my radiation oncologist and her conservative recommendation regarding new research out of Europe that put radiation on the table. It was not something I was planning on (and it delayed the reconstruction plan!) It basically messed up a lot of stuff! But I remember thinking: "I've been super aggressive up to this point. I've done 2 surgeries so far. I would regret not doing radiation if the cancer ever came back. So I decided on the radiation. I haven't told anybody this, but I cried for the first week for every session. The techs were so sweet to me, giving me lots of hugs and sitting down and trying to comfort me. It is a really lonely experience to do radiation and I think that's why its so scary to me. At least with surgery, I have versed and don't remember anything! With radiation you are alone in the room, can't move, surrounded by huge machines shooting invisible poison at you. I just remember feeling so alone and scared. David and I had a little self-counseling session and after that I felt better. I didn't cry anymore during treatment.
Just as a side note, the treatment decision for the recurrence were actually the easiest decisions I've made. No struggle or problems with that surgery, radiation and chemo plan. Of course, I didn't have time to do the chemo before the 3rd round hit!
So, here we are now at round 3: Stage IV breast cancer with brain metastasis. What people say is the "scariest type", or "least researched", "fewest options" Whatever. IT's all scary and it's all with the fewest options! I feel actually really lucky because it is by the grace of God that I even found this out. I really didn't have any symptoms to do a brain MRI (I had a single headache after a new drug - that usually is considered a routine side effect!). I could be running around right now, oblivious to growing tumors in my brain and doing the same old junk I was doing before. Now I have the knowledge about the important things in my life: relationships!
So, back to round 3. Same general treatment plan as before: surgery (not so scared of that now!), chemo (never scared of that), radiation (Ohh, I"m scared of that!) Why is radiation even scarier now? Cognitive function! I consider myself a pretty intelligent person (Okay, yes...I am a know-it-all! But, I make everything sound so good!
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{{Side note - that emoticon just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to do. There will NOT be any more!}}
SO, back to radiation to the brain. David and I did a lot of research and thinking. Do we do it now? Do we watch and save it for any future growth? How will it affect me? Will I still be me? Will my words still be "manna from heaven" as I've joked they are? Will I always have an answer for everything? Because come on now - you all know that that's how I am! Right or wrong, love it or hate it, but that's me. Would I still be me if I did radiation?
That's the clincher. Everything else I've done hasn't affected who/what I am. It's affected how I look. That's nothing - looks change. Whether you have a boob or not, have hair or not, have burnt skin or not, doesn't change you. Brain radiation might. It affects memory and cognition. I teach classes, I need the words to express the concepts. That's what I feel is one of my gifts, being able to explain difficult concepts in ways that people understand. Would I still be able to do that? Should I hold off the possibility of losing that to when/if (because it might never come back) any tumor comes back in the brain. I mean right now - I"m cancer-free! Should I just trust in God to keep me this way? Trust his plan? If I had faith, isn't that what I should do? That the tiny mustard seed of my faith will move the mountain of cancer from my path, never to raise again?
Or is it my duty to do the work. Do the steps necessary to prevent a recurrence. Do my obligation as a faithful Christian? This is more the direction I believe in. I remember a mass I went to where the reading was about a blind man who was waiting at Jericho as Jesus walked by. He was beseeching Jesus to cure him. People were pushing him aside and telling him to be quiet, but he was persistent and keep asking until Jesus found him, brought him to his side and asked him what he needed. The man asked for sight and Jesus healed him. He was faithful, obedient to the Lord, persistent and courageous in the face of so many obstacles. That is why Jesus healed him.
That's more what I think I need to do. Like what I've done with all the decisions so far: be aggressive. Do the nasty work that has to be done, do the medical treatments, plus living right. I haven't moved into the highly experimental or alternative treatments yet, but hey: I"m still young! We'll see what happens!
So, I'm so glad I just wrote that. It just really cemented the decision for me. Helped me accept what I need to do. I guess maybe I have more willpower and self-control than I ever though I did.
Okay - so back to the realities of the day.
Went to see my medical oncologist. I gave pictures of the family to the front desk at Texas Oncology and to Dr. Harth. I have such a beautiful family and they have never seen them. I think they really appreciated that. Also, they set up the girls on the angel tree, so now they get to see what they look like. Fortunately, the pictures were taken before my face turned into a circle from the steroids, so even I look good! Dr. Harth recommended whole brain radiation, said we'd discuss a chemo plan with the Baylor guru, but that would happen after radiation, started me on my steroid taper (I love her for that!) and made plans to follow up on the Tykerb medication (which is for HER2 and crosses the blood/brain barrier), and to continue on the weekly Herceptin. I told her that she won't be able to retire, because I won't take another doctor and I'll be here for like another 30 years! It was a good visit and I am so happy about my treatment team. I really feel like she understands what I need (information) and is good about giving it to me, or giving me the second opinion options. The final piece of information she gave me was the results of the molecular studies that were sent out with the recurrence. This is some very technical information that I don't really understand. It basically looked at all these biochemical markers of the tumor and then what current drugs will work the best. The Baylor guru requested them and they are probably more for retrospective research than active treatment. However, as I sit and read the report, here's the "high points"
So, just to let everyone know the typical treatment, for each "diagnosis" I've had, the general plan has been a combination of surgery to remove the tumor, radiation to clear the local area of the cancer and chemo to clear the possible wide spread of the cancer. For me, surgery was really scary, but chemo no, so chemo is always an "easy" choice for me. Turns out, radiation is really scary for me too1 When I was recommended to do radiation on the original breast tumor, I was shocked. My breast surgeon and medical oncologist had prepared me that I didn't require it (I only had 1 lymph node positive out of 11 that they took). It was my radiation oncologist and her conservative recommendation regarding new research out of Europe that put radiation on the table. It was not something I was planning on (and it delayed the reconstruction plan!) It basically messed up a lot of stuff! But I remember thinking: "I've been super aggressive up to this point. I've done 2 surgeries so far. I would regret not doing radiation if the cancer ever came back. So I decided on the radiation. I haven't told anybody this, but I cried for the first week for every session. The techs were so sweet to me, giving me lots of hugs and sitting down and trying to comfort me. It is a really lonely experience to do radiation and I think that's why its so scary to me. At least with surgery, I have versed and don't remember anything! With radiation you are alone in the room, can't move, surrounded by huge machines shooting invisible poison at you. I just remember feeling so alone and scared. David and I had a little self-counseling session and after that I felt better. I didn't cry anymore during treatment.
Just as a side note, the treatment decision for the recurrence were actually the easiest decisions I've made. No struggle or problems with that surgery, radiation and chemo plan. Of course, I didn't have time to do the chemo before the 3rd round hit!
So, here we are now at round 3: Stage IV breast cancer with brain metastasis. What people say is the "scariest type", or "least researched", "fewest options" Whatever. IT's all scary and it's all with the fewest options! I feel actually really lucky because it is by the grace of God that I even found this out. I really didn't have any symptoms to do a brain MRI (I had a single headache after a new drug - that usually is considered a routine side effect!). I could be running around right now, oblivious to growing tumors in my brain and doing the same old junk I was doing before. Now I have the knowledge about the important things in my life: relationships!
So, back to round 3. Same general treatment plan as before: surgery (not so scared of that now!), chemo (never scared of that), radiation (Ohh, I"m scared of that!) Why is radiation even scarier now? Cognitive function! I consider myself a pretty intelligent person (Okay, yes...I am a know-it-all! But, I make everything sound so good!
. {{Side note - that emoticon just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to do. There will NOT be any more!}}
SO, back to radiation to the brain. David and I did a lot of research and thinking. Do we do it now? Do we watch and save it for any future growth? How will it affect me? Will I still be me? Will my words still be "manna from heaven" as I've joked they are? Will I always have an answer for everything? Because come on now - you all know that that's how I am! Right or wrong, love it or hate it, but that's me. Would I still be me if I did radiation?
That's the clincher. Everything else I've done hasn't affected who/what I am. It's affected how I look. That's nothing - looks change. Whether you have a boob or not, have hair or not, have burnt skin or not, doesn't change you. Brain radiation might. It affects memory and cognition. I teach classes, I need the words to express the concepts. That's what I feel is one of my gifts, being able to explain difficult concepts in ways that people understand. Would I still be able to do that? Should I hold off the possibility of losing that to when/if (because it might never come back) any tumor comes back in the brain. I mean right now - I"m cancer-free! Should I just trust in God to keep me this way? Trust his plan? If I had faith, isn't that what I should do? That the tiny mustard seed of my faith will move the mountain of cancer from my path, never to raise again?
Or is it my duty to do the work. Do the steps necessary to prevent a recurrence. Do my obligation as a faithful Christian? This is more the direction I believe in. I remember a mass I went to where the reading was about a blind man who was waiting at Jericho as Jesus walked by. He was beseeching Jesus to cure him. People were pushing him aside and telling him to be quiet, but he was persistent and keep asking until Jesus found him, brought him to his side and asked him what he needed. The man asked for sight and Jesus healed him. He was faithful, obedient to the Lord, persistent and courageous in the face of so many obstacles. That is why Jesus healed him.
That's more what I think I need to do. Like what I've done with all the decisions so far: be aggressive. Do the nasty work that has to be done, do the medical treatments, plus living right. I haven't moved into the highly experimental or alternative treatments yet, but hey: I"m still young! We'll see what happens!
So, I'm so glad I just wrote that. It just really cemented the decision for me. Helped me accept what I need to do. I guess maybe I have more willpower and self-control than I ever though I did.
Okay - so back to the realities of the day.
Went to see my medical oncologist. I gave pictures of the family to the front desk at Texas Oncology and to Dr. Harth. I have such a beautiful family and they have never seen them. I think they really appreciated that. Also, they set up the girls on the angel tree, so now they get to see what they look like. Fortunately, the pictures were taken before my face turned into a circle from the steroids, so even I look good! Dr. Harth recommended whole brain radiation, said we'd discuss a chemo plan with the Baylor guru, but that would happen after radiation, started me on my steroid taper (I love her for that!) and made plans to follow up on the Tykerb medication (which is for HER2 and crosses the blood/brain barrier), and to continue on the weekly Herceptin. I told her that she won't be able to retire, because I won't take another doctor and I'll be here for like another 30 years! It was a good visit and I am so happy about my treatment team. I really feel like she understands what I need (information) and is good about giving it to me, or giving me the second opinion options. The final piece of information she gave me was the results of the molecular studies that were sent out with the recurrence. This is some very technical information that I don't really understand. It basically looked at all these biochemical markers of the tumor and then what current drugs will work the best. The Baylor guru requested them and they are probably more for retrospective research than active treatment. However, as I sit and read the report, here's the "high points"
- My tumor isn't strongly HER2+. It's just a "little" positive. They just point out that Herceptin might not be highly effective, although Tykerb is a recommended agent.
- I may have some benefit with anthracycline-based therapy (which is the Adriamycin that I first took, but platinum-based therapy probably won't work well.
- There are a couple other drugs that are options for the type of biomarkers I have (gemcitabine, desatinib, sunitinib), so I have options if the cancer comes back somewhere.
- 2 biomarkers "suggest a shorter recurrence-free survival, overall survival, poor prognosis, early recurrence and shorter disease survival"
So, wow...what to say about that. I don't think anything. I didn't read this information until after I had made the decision about radiation. So, I think this just seals the deal that I need to be as aggressive as possible now to reduce the possibility of recurrence. I think it brings around the same discussion that I've had with myself frequently. These numbers are general statistics. They are not me, they are not individual. They really don't mean anything to me personally. My time is dictated by somebody else. If he has a plan for me, (which is what everything points to), then it doesn't really matter what the statistical prognosis is. I will be around for those 30 years because that's the plan. OR, take away a cancer diagnosis and I get in a car crash from distracted driving and I'm gone tomorrow. Nobody knows the answer to that question: how much time? So, I think after today, I'm gonna file away that report and not look at it again and continue my walks every day where I thank God that I have today and promise to make the best day possible. To make someone smile today. To be polite in the face of rudeness, to make a difference in someones day with a smile or a hug or a sincere "How are you." That's what makes me feel good. That's what I want to accomplish every day. (Gosh, how life gets simple when you think like that!)
Okay, back to details: went to my physical therapy appointment for my left arm lymphadema. It was so nice!!!!! It's like a little massage! But I definitely needed it! That stupid arterial line (which didn't even work!) made my arm swell up and after the appointment is definitely felt smaller. Thanks Jenn! I'll be making my twice a week appointments and keeping those!
Then I went to the second opinion for radiation at UTSW. IT was a long wait, but the information was definitely what I needed. Some good points that helped me: in his opinion, breast cancer metastasis to the brain recurs about 50%. Radiation to the brain can reduce that to 20%. The cognitive issues can be addressed by doing radiation dosage over a longer time period and potentially avoiding key areas. For young breast cancer patients, cognitive function is not as impacted as with the lung cancer patients (cuz those people have been smoking for years and smoking impacts the brain function). Also, since I already function at a high level, am young, don't have other disease, I should have less impact that any research/data would suggest). He said there are options regarding just localized radiation to the surgical area, but that doesn't address recurrences in other parts of the brain. Same thing with watching and waiting. You do scans every 3 months and watch for any symptoms of a tumor and try to "catch it quick". Of course, there is no guarantee that when/if it grows back it will be "treatable". Meaning it might be in a bad location or have too many to treat locally with surgery or targeted radiation. So, basically there is risk either way (DUH) and I have to be good with the decision. He didn't recommend either option to me and to be honest, I didn't ask. I think when he asked the question: What is your biggest fear, I knew what my decision was. My answer was "Recurrence".
So: recap:
So: recap:
- Finish surgical recovery
- Continue with Herceptin and get started on Tykerb
- Continue with project healthy living: diet, exercise, positivity
- Start whole brain radiation in December
- When radiation is done, do chemotherapy (drugs to be determined)
- Be a good christian, have faith that the "3rd times the charm" and I will be cancer-free forever more!
Thanks for putting up with the extremely long post. This was very cathartic for me and I feel alot better right now than I did when I started this post. I'm gonna go back to sleep now actually! Good night, God Bless, and thank you so much for family and friends. I couldn't do it without y'all! And that is the truth!!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Post Thanksgiving Haze
So, I've been reprimanded again regarding my posts. But, I do have an excuse: I was in a fog from Thanksgiving. So many blessings were given, I just couldn't rise out of the coma! Plus, it was a "boring" weekend. (Not really, but it was low-key!)
Friday was a nice day for me to just be by myself. That's right folks, I was allowed to be alone! I drove myself to the hospital and did my Herceptin treatment #6! It was sooo nice! Why was it nice? Because I was independent! I drove myself there, I had the awesome Friday lunch (catfish, brown rice, veggies and salad). I never want to change my treatment days because I love that lunch soo much! Afterwards David and I went shopping for a bit and I finished the night with a pedicure/manicure/should rub with my sister.
Why did I need a pedicure/manicure? Because that damn Herceptin! Actually, Herceptin is not that bad. Here's a list of the side effects
Friday was a nice day for me to just be by myself. That's right folks, I was allowed to be alone! I drove myself to the hospital and did my Herceptin treatment #6! It was sooo nice! Why was it nice? Because I was independent! I drove myself there, I had the awesome Friday lunch (catfish, brown rice, veggies and salad). I never want to change my treatment days because I love that lunch soo much! Afterwards David and I went shopping for a bit and I finished the night with a pedicure/manicure/should rub with my sister.
Why did I need a pedicure/manicure? Because that damn Herceptin! Actually, Herceptin is not that bad. Here's a list of the side effects
- NO cancer growth
- no CANCER growth
- no cancer GROWTH
- Mouth sores
- Jacked-up nails
- Fatigue X 2 days
The truly evil drug is Decadron. It is the hatest and most feared of all the drugs known to man. I hate to say it, but Decadron is the "honey badger" of my life right now! Side effects:
- Insomnia/agitation/inability to rest
- Wanting to eat everything in sight
- Moon face - people don't recognize me!!!!
- Acne....acne!!!!
- Bloating/weight gain
- Weak leg muscles - I can't even get up from kneeling!
- Not dealing well with frustration
- Balance issues
- Peeing all the time
- Poor vision/double vision
The best news I got today was that in 20 days I will be off Decadron! I will have to celebrate with something wonderful. Good thing I have 20 days to ponder!
Saturday was a nice day because I became a Catholic madrina (Godmother) to a close friend's son. Soon I will be an actual Catholic as well, so I'll know the rules to guide him! Right now I just serve as a witness. But, it was really moving for me to see and hear how the catholic church accepts the new life into the church and to also explain to Leonardo how his light is shining in Heaven and God sees him.
What was very interesting and enlightening about the Baptism is what the families consider appropriate attire to wear to a child's baptism. I would think half the people there would have been more comfortable with a drink in their hands versus a baptism shell. It was ridiculous and shameful! OMG: I sound like my father!!!!!
After that I was able to take a wonderful nap (remember the fatigue of Herceptin - it actually cuts through the insomnia of Decadron! And, to top off the night, I finally saw a good movie. It took long enough, though! It was Tower Heist. Completely unrealistic movie - but enjoyable and funny enough to laugh. That was the best part! (Well, that and being out with David!) He's sooo sweet! Don't tell him though because I think he thinks he's losing his mojo and will want to spend copious hours at the pool hall finding it again!
Sunday was a sadder day (more sad? Is sadder a word? Less happy day, maybe?) because I had to help David pack to leave to McAllen. I could tell he didn't want to leave either. He said he wanted to leave by 9 so it wouldn't be too late, but I don't think he actually left the city until like noon! There was always something to do (like upload photos, or eat, or organize the closet! It was sad, but he needed to go! He needs to go make me some money!!! Keep me in the lifestyle I have become accustomed to. Oh, I forget, that's 6 people living in 1200 sq ft. Maybe I need him to make more money than I'm accustomed to! HAHAHAHAHA!
Sunday also was a milestone because I drove (again) AND I drove at night!! HAHAHAHA. I'm still alive to talk about it! Really people - driving is no more an issue now for me than before. Actually, I'm probably better at it now because I focus more on it. Elena is my tattle-tale and will not let me be on my phone (which is good, since now you can get a ticket for texting!), so I have nothing to do but look at the cars around me. How boring!!!
So, the weekend ended very successfully and I was ready to prepare for the next week of school and the new routine that I want to be my healthy schedule. Monday was a VERY eventful day, both personally and medically. To be honest, I'm really drained from Monday. It's 1100 pm right now and I'm actually going to go to sleep (that usually happens at midnight or later). I promise I will post tomorrow on the HUGE changes I will be facing.
That's the teaser to keep you guys coming back!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving 2011
Well, I just have to post after such an extraordinary day. I feel like this is a new beginning, a new chapter, a new lease on a new life. I want to make sure it is the fullest in meaning (not activity) that it can possibly be. Today was a great example of that!
Now, just to start off - I had some bad moments that I need to work on, but I'm gonna let myself off the hook since I'm still recovering from surgery! :)
So I actually had a really good night last night. Slept about 6 hours, which on steroids is pretty amazing. I looked up some awesome information about ladies with stage IV breast cancer (total of like 66 women having survived 220 years leading full and complete lives). Got up and did my routine and walked with David and had a really good conversation with him. I was getting worried that everyone is going to be second-guessing me and looking for personality changes and am I different and all that stuff. But he reassured me that I'm still the same annoying person who makes bad financial decisions - same as before! :)
Since I didn't have any groceries, I was gonna make pancakes for the girls. Unfortunately, our stove broke in the middle of pancakes! Oh no! Fortunately, my breast cancer support group came to the rescue with cupcakes for the girls to decorate. What a miracle that these were given the night before my stove breaks!!!! So, the girls get to decorate and eat cupcakes and frosting for breakfast. What a great Thanksgiving start!
I spend the entire morning with the girls: we watch movies, clean and organize their room (which is a really fun adventure for me, not so much for them!) and get them fed and ready for Thanksgiving. All by myself cuz the family was out running errands!
I had a little setback after that, but it was more because I was feeling down about how I look. Moon face, pimples, bloating and mouth sores. Herceptin does suck a little. There's my little pity party, now back to the program!
I was so blessed this Thanksgiving to have some wonderful people donate food for my family. These are people that don't even know me, but came together and brought food for not just a family of 5.....a family of 12! Which was added to 20 with close friends. It was amazing and delicious the food that was prepared and brought to my sisters house. We have those party table and chairs already, so we had that set up in the living room to seat the 8 kids and 12 adults. We got nice throw-away plates and silverware, plus a little decor. I thought it looked great (and fast and simple - which is always a plus!).
I had to contribute because this is my holiday, so I made my famous garlic mashed potatoes, sweet baby carrots and strawberry spinach salad. Very easy stuff to make! The most difficult thing was me trying to plan warming all the food at the same time! Thank god for microwaves!!!
We had a fried turkey - I've never had that and it was delicious! We had a ham which was delicious as well. Stuffing, gravy, cranberries, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and sweet potatoes that were to die for! It was all so good! My plate was LOADED with everything. Don't worry - I did use steroids as an excuse for why I needed to eat so much!
We had plenty of food for everyone and we all got to go home with leftovers for the next day. Of course, I had to take the meat because I'm the honey badger! Everyone else got just the sides!
And don't think it stopped there, we still had dessert: apple pie, pumpkin pie and/or pecan pie based on your preference. What a meal! What a night!
Now, the most important thing about the meal was the meaning. I was able to explain to my hispanic family why Thanksgiving has always been more special to me than Christmas. Why I will work Christmas and New Years, but never Thanksgiving. Why I try to make it a point to see my family during this time. It's about the relationships, and at this point in my life, relationships is what has made the difference. The difference between a successful fight against cancer or not. The difference between the peace I feel and what others experience. The difference between what the medical team thought for me, and the reality of my life. I was able to teach each of the 19 people there what they mean to me and tell each child my hopes for them. (David helped me translate into spanish, even though I was really rude to him. I will blame it on steroids while I can, but he was very patient with me today! Tomorrow my morning meditation will be on no excuses for my behavior!
After that I let everyone eat. Y'all know that hispanics never start anything on time, so I think we didn't get to eat until like 5:30 or 6:00 and I had planned on like 4:30! Everyone was starving! Then the kids all spoke about what they were thankful for and then the adults. It was so nice to hear what people had to say and gave some insight into their hopes. I really enjoyed it.
In fact, I want this to be a tradition. I would like to do something every year and cook for everyone and share in this special event. I need to plan though......I still want to celebrate it with my northern family (that's what I'll call you guys "northern"). Hmmmm, now I have to think on this! Maybe I'll incorporate this into my hispanic Christmas, I don't know. But what I really want to continue is the giving of thanks, sharing of food, celebration of the relationships that have been forged. That doesn't need to be on a set date, but just that it's done every year as a celebration of every year of life we have been given.
Now, just to start off - I had some bad moments that I need to work on, but I'm gonna let myself off the hook since I'm still recovering from surgery! :)
So I actually had a really good night last night. Slept about 6 hours, which on steroids is pretty amazing. I looked up some awesome information about ladies with stage IV breast cancer (total of like 66 women having survived 220 years leading full and complete lives). Got up and did my routine and walked with David and had a really good conversation with him. I was getting worried that everyone is going to be second-guessing me and looking for personality changes and am I different and all that stuff. But he reassured me that I'm still the same annoying person who makes bad financial decisions - same as before! :)
Since I didn't have any groceries, I was gonna make pancakes for the girls. Unfortunately, our stove broke in the middle of pancakes! Oh no! Fortunately, my breast cancer support group came to the rescue with cupcakes for the girls to decorate. What a miracle that these were given the night before my stove breaks!!!! So, the girls get to decorate and eat cupcakes and frosting for breakfast. What a great Thanksgiving start!
I spend the entire morning with the girls: we watch movies, clean and organize their room (which is a really fun adventure for me, not so much for them!) and get them fed and ready for Thanksgiving. All by myself cuz the family was out running errands!
I had a little setback after that, but it was more because I was feeling down about how I look. Moon face, pimples, bloating and mouth sores. Herceptin does suck a little. There's my little pity party, now back to the program!
I was so blessed this Thanksgiving to have some wonderful people donate food for my family. These are people that don't even know me, but came together and brought food for not just a family of 5.....a family of 12! Which was added to 20 with close friends. It was amazing and delicious the food that was prepared and brought to my sisters house. We have those party table and chairs already, so we had that set up in the living room to seat the 8 kids and 12 adults. We got nice throw-away plates and silverware, plus a little decor. I thought it looked great (and fast and simple - which is always a plus!).
I had to contribute because this is my holiday, so I made my famous garlic mashed potatoes, sweet baby carrots and strawberry spinach salad. Very easy stuff to make! The most difficult thing was me trying to plan warming all the food at the same time! Thank god for microwaves!!!
We had a fried turkey - I've never had that and it was delicious! We had a ham which was delicious as well. Stuffing, gravy, cranberries, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and sweet potatoes that were to die for! It was all so good! My plate was LOADED with everything. Don't worry - I did use steroids as an excuse for why I needed to eat so much!
We had plenty of food for everyone and we all got to go home with leftovers for the next day. Of course, I had to take the meat because I'm the honey badger! Everyone else got just the sides!
And don't think it stopped there, we still had dessert: apple pie, pumpkin pie and/or pecan pie based on your preference. What a meal! What a night!
Now, the most important thing about the meal was the meaning. I was able to explain to my hispanic family why Thanksgiving has always been more special to me than Christmas. Why I will work Christmas and New Years, but never Thanksgiving. Why I try to make it a point to see my family during this time. It's about the relationships, and at this point in my life, relationships is what has made the difference. The difference between a successful fight against cancer or not. The difference between the peace I feel and what others experience. The difference between what the medical team thought for me, and the reality of my life. I was able to teach each of the 19 people there what they mean to me and tell each child my hopes for them. (David helped me translate into spanish, even though I was really rude to him. I will blame it on steroids while I can, but he was very patient with me today! Tomorrow my morning meditation will be on no excuses for my behavior!
After that I let everyone eat. Y'all know that hispanics never start anything on time, so I think we didn't get to eat until like 5:30 or 6:00 and I had planned on like 4:30! Everyone was starving! Then the kids all spoke about what they were thankful for and then the adults. It was so nice to hear what people had to say and gave some insight into their hopes. I really enjoyed it.
In fact, I want this to be a tradition. I would like to do something every year and cook for everyone and share in this special event. I need to plan though......I still want to celebrate it with my northern family (that's what I'll call you guys "northern"). Hmmmm, now I have to think on this! Maybe I'll incorporate this into my hispanic Christmas, I don't know. But what I really want to continue is the giving of thanks, sharing of food, celebration of the relationships that have been forged. That doesn't need to be on a set date, but just that it's done every year as a celebration of every year of life we have been given.
What does this medical stuff mean?
So I've had some people ask me about what the future holds and whether I have brain cancer or breast cancer, so I'm going to do some educating! We'll see how good I do! I have noticed that my math skills are SORELY LACKING right now!
So... I was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2010. It was about 2 cm and called "Triple Negative" because it didn't have any special receptors that could be used to fight the tumor. It was classified Stage II. I did the standard course of treatment, but chose to do chemo first. So, 2 rounds of chemo (6 months total), then the surgery to remove the cancer. Sometimes the chemo will kill all the cancer and there will be no "lump" to remove. This did not happen with me. When they removed the tumor in the breast, they checked the lymph nodes in the armpit and found that 1 out of the 11 they removed had some tumor in it. This was not necessarily bad, just not great. So, that's how I got both breasts removed and some lymph nodes in my left armpit. I did not do reconstruction, because I was waiting for David to get a job and money before we did something that I would need alot of time off work for. So the plan was to be done and over with breast cancer (Wasn't that a nice plan!!)
The next surprise was the radiation, which I didn't expect to need, but was recommended solely based on my age and type of breast cancer. However, because I eventually wanted to have a nice chest again, I would need to put something back in the breast to stretch it out so that the radiation wouldn't "ruin" the reconstruction. So, then I needed to go back and get tissue expanders placed in the breasts and fill them. This took a couple of weeks to accomplish.
The current thinking is that the original tumor was a mess of different type of little cancer cells. Some of them were "triple negative" and some of them were HER2+. Now, none of the testing they did found the HER2+ cells, but they were there. Any HER2+ means that the cells grow really fast! So, while I was waiting to start radiation, a little mass of cells was growing. And so in September 2011 (a year after my original diagnosis), I had another lump in the breast. So, standard treatment: surgery to remove it, radiation to "clear" the area and possibly more chemo or meds.
It was fortunate that we tested the new tumor. Everyone thought it would be the same as the original (triple negative), but it wasn't. This now gave us a new drug to help fight. At this point, I am still considered Stage II breast cancer, with a local recurrence. I had a little more radiation than was originally planned and I also had a plan with the oncologist to start a new round of chemo and also Herceptin, which is a drug that specifically blocks the HER2 receptor and prevents those cells from growing.
So a month after I find the second lump, I have a headache after a treatment. Not a big deal, right....wrong! That's when we discover the metastasis (the spread). So, October 2011 (13 months after original diagnosis, 1 month after recurrence) is when I am diagnosed as Stage IV breast cancer with brain metastasis. So, what does that mean? Well, you can go and look at your own prognosis, but I focus on ME. All the statistics out there don't mean anything for an individual, just for a general population. I think the main thing to understand is that now I have a chronic disease. It is "uncureable, but treatable". So, I have to change my lifestyle, just like someone diagnosed with heart disease or cholesterol or diabetes. All those things kill people early too!
So, back to the brain: first step to this is surgery to remove it. It is confirmed that the tumor was breast cancer and I am waiting on the pathology to determine if it is HER2+ or triple negative or something different. Right now, I have NO CANCER that we can tell. That's a really great thing. It's nowhere in my body as confirmed by CT and PET scans. It's also nowhere that they can see in my brain based on post surgical MRI scans.
What the future? That's the big question! It involves taking the drugs that "control" the HER2 status. These drugs I will be on for as long as they work (so hopefully forever!). It involves another round of chemotherapy to kill any microscopic cells that are circulating around my body and brain. It could possibly involve radiation to the brain to kill any microscopic cells that are sitting up there.
For me, that's the scariest thing: radiation to the brain. How might that change me? It seems more permanent than the chemo. I have some big decisions to make.
The other thing is work....what becomes of work?????? I love my job. I love what I do. Will I be able to continue? That is a big question as well. But, as those that know me, denial isn't just a river in Africa! It's my coping! So I will defer those questions to when I have more information!
So bottom line:
all breast cancer
all gone from body
God, good living, and following doctors orders will keep it that way!
I will see my oncologist past her retirement!
So... I was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2010. It was about 2 cm and called "Triple Negative" because it didn't have any special receptors that could be used to fight the tumor. It was classified Stage II. I did the standard course of treatment, but chose to do chemo first. So, 2 rounds of chemo (6 months total), then the surgery to remove the cancer. Sometimes the chemo will kill all the cancer and there will be no "lump" to remove. This did not happen with me. When they removed the tumor in the breast, they checked the lymph nodes in the armpit and found that 1 out of the 11 they removed had some tumor in it. This was not necessarily bad, just not great. So, that's how I got both breasts removed and some lymph nodes in my left armpit. I did not do reconstruction, because I was waiting for David to get a job and money before we did something that I would need alot of time off work for. So the plan was to be done and over with breast cancer (Wasn't that a nice plan!!)
The next surprise was the radiation, which I didn't expect to need, but was recommended solely based on my age and type of breast cancer. However, because I eventually wanted to have a nice chest again, I would need to put something back in the breast to stretch it out so that the radiation wouldn't "ruin" the reconstruction. So, then I needed to go back and get tissue expanders placed in the breasts and fill them. This took a couple of weeks to accomplish.
The current thinking is that the original tumor was a mess of different type of little cancer cells. Some of them were "triple negative" and some of them were HER2+. Now, none of the testing they did found the HER2+ cells, but they were there. Any HER2+ means that the cells grow really fast! So, while I was waiting to start radiation, a little mass of cells was growing. And so in September 2011 (a year after my original diagnosis), I had another lump in the breast. So, standard treatment: surgery to remove it, radiation to "clear" the area and possibly more chemo or meds.
It was fortunate that we tested the new tumor. Everyone thought it would be the same as the original (triple negative), but it wasn't. This now gave us a new drug to help fight. At this point, I am still considered Stage II breast cancer, with a local recurrence. I had a little more radiation than was originally planned and I also had a plan with the oncologist to start a new round of chemo and also Herceptin, which is a drug that specifically blocks the HER2 receptor and prevents those cells from growing.
So a month after I find the second lump, I have a headache after a treatment. Not a big deal, right....wrong! That's when we discover the metastasis (the spread). So, October 2011 (13 months after original diagnosis, 1 month after recurrence) is when I am diagnosed as Stage IV breast cancer with brain metastasis. So, what does that mean? Well, you can go and look at your own prognosis, but I focus on ME. All the statistics out there don't mean anything for an individual, just for a general population. I think the main thing to understand is that now I have a chronic disease. It is "uncureable, but treatable". So, I have to change my lifestyle, just like someone diagnosed with heart disease or cholesterol or diabetes. All those things kill people early too!
So, back to the brain: first step to this is surgery to remove it. It is confirmed that the tumor was breast cancer and I am waiting on the pathology to determine if it is HER2+ or triple negative or something different. Right now, I have NO CANCER that we can tell. That's a really great thing. It's nowhere in my body as confirmed by CT and PET scans. It's also nowhere that they can see in my brain based on post surgical MRI scans.
What the future? That's the big question! It involves taking the drugs that "control" the HER2 status. These drugs I will be on for as long as they work (so hopefully forever!). It involves another round of chemotherapy to kill any microscopic cells that are circulating around my body and brain. It could possibly involve radiation to the brain to kill any microscopic cells that are sitting up there.
For me, that's the scariest thing: radiation to the brain. How might that change me? It seems more permanent than the chemo. I have some big decisions to make.
The other thing is work....what becomes of work?????? I love my job. I love what I do. Will I be able to continue? That is a big question as well. But, as those that know me, denial isn't just a river in Africa! It's my coping! So I will defer those questions to when I have more information!
So bottom line:
all breast cancer
all gone from body
God, good living, and following doctors orders will keep it that way!
I will see my oncologist past her retirement!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
"Amazing Recovery"
So, I haven't posted in a couple days and I don't want to let down my loyal followers! HAHAHA! I think it's so cool that anyone follows me. I think that doing this blog has helped me more than any paper journaling has ever done because it gives me a purpose. Knowing that people might read what I say makes sure I think about what I want to say! So, thank you all for making me think!
So I was in Walmart picking up some groceries with my sister and a man whose wife gave me a prayer saw us. He pulled my sister aside and said: What's she doing here? Didn't she just have surgery???
It made me think...yeah I just had surgery, but I'm not doing anything extraordinary. I'm just living life. I'm not pushing myself or working hard, just moving forward. It's not me that's doing anything amazing. It's the grace of the Lord. Anything I'm doing, I'm doing because he has allowed me. I have nothing to compare my recovery to - am I on track, doing better, doing worse? I'm not sure it really matters. I think I'm doing what I need to be doing: getting healthy. I'm really proud of myself and I hope I am making the steps for long-lasting healthy life. I'm watching what I'm eating (in moderation, not extreme), I'm walking and stretching (in moderation, not extreme), I'm thinking about me and life and priorities (in moderation, not extreme). I think in the past I have made the goals too high, too difficult to maintain. I want to avoid that this time. I want what I do to be do-able. Which is why I'm happy I have this blog: its been do-able and keeps me accountable to my own goals!
Sometimes I worry that I'm changing too much, like maybe becoming too fervent or pollyana or religious. Maybe, but if gives me peace, I think I'll do it. I hope you can all tolerate me in the future!!!!
Actually, as I think about it, I'm really enjoying this recovery because right now that's all I need to focus on. In the coming weeks I have a lot of doctor appointments to get information to make the future decisions for treatment. This is the easy step...those are more difficult decisions to live with.
So I was in Walmart picking up some groceries with my sister and a man whose wife gave me a prayer saw us. He pulled my sister aside and said: What's she doing here? Didn't she just have surgery???
It made me think...yeah I just had surgery, but I'm not doing anything extraordinary. I'm just living life. I'm not pushing myself or working hard, just moving forward. It's not me that's doing anything amazing. It's the grace of the Lord. Anything I'm doing, I'm doing because he has allowed me. I have nothing to compare my recovery to - am I on track, doing better, doing worse? I'm not sure it really matters. I think I'm doing what I need to be doing: getting healthy. I'm really proud of myself and I hope I am making the steps for long-lasting healthy life. I'm watching what I'm eating (in moderation, not extreme), I'm walking and stretching (in moderation, not extreme), I'm thinking about me and life and priorities (in moderation, not extreme). I think in the past I have made the goals too high, too difficult to maintain. I want to avoid that this time. I want what I do to be do-able. Which is why I'm happy I have this blog: its been do-able and keeps me accountable to my own goals!
Sometimes I worry that I'm changing too much, like maybe becoming too fervent or pollyana or religious. Maybe, but if gives me peace, I think I'll do it. I hope you can all tolerate me in the future!!!!
Actually, as I think about it, I'm really enjoying this recovery because right now that's all I need to focus on. In the coming weeks I have a lot of doctor appointments to get information to make the future decisions for treatment. This is the easy step...those are more difficult decisions to live with.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Recollections from inpatient stay
Wow,
I have to say, I think this will be a long post! It is about how wonderful my hospital stay was at Methodist Dallas Medical Center. Let me just start off by saying: I WORK HERE!!! I know my friends and co-workers took a special interest to make sure that I was cared for and had every need met. But I have to say, everyone made me feel like they were doing it as routine. From the admission in same day surgery, to the discharge from the hospital oncology floor, it was smooth, seamless, great communication and teamwork and I feel special. It was amazing to experience and I am so proud to work for this organization! We have been recognized as the best place to work and I FEEL IT!
We also have been spotlighted in the news about the care that we give. I'm here to say: the care was TOP NOTCH! Again, from the support staff of registrations, chaplain, dietary, housekeeping - to the professionalism of the physicians, OR staff, and nursing staff, I have had no complaints. It has been truly amazing!
When I was admitted, they quickly did their paperwork and got me hooked up with an advanced directive (David was very nervous something would happen and needed that. Chaplain was here and paperwork was done in less than 30 minutes.....at 4am no less!!!! My friends and Reverand Phil were able to come and stay with me until the prep. The surgical team explained everything I needed for consent forms and what to expect. As my family waited in the waiting room, they keep them continually updated on my progress and where I was going. Nobody has mentioned to me, but I think the waiting room accommodations were good (plenty of kleenex!)
My team in the ICU was excellent! They started taking lines out of me as soon as I asked (and I'm sure as soon as I was stable enough! I had to go to the bathroom so often and my poor nurse had to unhook me from everything soooo many times! Thank you! It does a body/mind/soul good to wear underwear and walk to the bathroom!
They had arranged for David to spend the night and had a little cot for him. They let him do this even in and ICU!!!! and they had to manuever around him! But they never made us feel like it was an inconvience to have him there.
As I became more stable, the ICU started searching for a more suitable location for me and they found me space on the oncology floor. What a space!!!! However, when they made all the arrangements, my 12 family members arrived to see me and feed me (and right about at shift change). Did the staff frown? Did they seem angry? NO!!! They shut us all in the room and let us do our thing. It was so wonderful to spend that time with my family. What wonderful customer service....and from the heart, not faked!
Soooo; dinner done, family gone - let's get me to the next phase of recovery. A quiet and quick wheelchair ride to the oncology floor. I know the ICU staff was waiting for my room for another critical patient, but they NEVER made me feel in a rush. That is great service and great nursing professionalism for you!
On the oncology floor - wonderful staff! From my patient care tech who asked personal questions about me and really got to know me, to the dietary representative who gave me lunch recommendations, it was an honor to be treated there. I was pondering my future choices for treatment, and my night shift nurse searched the internet for me and pulled some great information. My day shift nurse was a leader in communication and coordination! I had an ICU nurse come to remove my drain and dressing and they didn't skip a beat working together. I am so proud of my nursing breathern! I am so proud I work at MDMC with these people. As the day progressed and all medical providers gave me the "good to go home", the staff all let me know that it depended on how I felt. I could stay longer if I wanted. Now, for those that know me, the last times I have been in the hospital, I have cried like a baby if I had to stay a minute past the bare minimum of discharge! ("You have to pay me to be here!" has been my mantra!) But this time I felt no such desire. It was a very comfortable place to be and recover and regain some strength before headed back to the "controlled chaos of home"!
I also recall back to when I was admitted after chemo for some low white cell counts. The difference between that admission and this admission is like night and day. The hospital has been working hard on changing the culture of the care that we give. I know - I've been to the mandatory training sessions! Its working! I felt honest care and compassion from EVERY EMPLOYEE that I met during this stay. It was amazing! To our competitor hospitals - you better watch out because you have met your match!
I will be tweaking and editing this post into a letter to the new because this needs to be know: how great MDMC is!!!!!
I have to say, I think this will be a long post! It is about how wonderful my hospital stay was at Methodist Dallas Medical Center. Let me just start off by saying: I WORK HERE!!! I know my friends and co-workers took a special interest to make sure that I was cared for and had every need met. But I have to say, everyone made me feel like they were doing it as routine. From the admission in same day surgery, to the discharge from the hospital oncology floor, it was smooth, seamless, great communication and teamwork and I feel special. It was amazing to experience and I am so proud to work for this organization! We have been recognized as the best place to work and I FEEL IT!
We also have been spotlighted in the news about the care that we give. I'm here to say: the care was TOP NOTCH! Again, from the support staff of registrations, chaplain, dietary, housekeeping - to the professionalism of the physicians, OR staff, and nursing staff, I have had no complaints. It has been truly amazing!
When I was admitted, they quickly did their paperwork and got me hooked up with an advanced directive (David was very nervous something would happen and needed that. Chaplain was here and paperwork was done in less than 30 minutes.....at 4am no less!!!! My friends and Reverand Phil were able to come and stay with me until the prep. The surgical team explained everything I needed for consent forms and what to expect. As my family waited in the waiting room, they keep them continually updated on my progress and where I was going. Nobody has mentioned to me, but I think the waiting room accommodations were good (plenty of kleenex!)
My team in the ICU was excellent! They started taking lines out of me as soon as I asked (and I'm sure as soon as I was stable enough! I had to go to the bathroom so often and my poor nurse had to unhook me from everything soooo many times! Thank you! It does a body/mind/soul good to wear underwear and walk to the bathroom!
They had arranged for David to spend the night and had a little cot for him. They let him do this even in and ICU!!!! and they had to manuever around him! But they never made us feel like it was an inconvience to have him there.
As I became more stable, the ICU started searching for a more suitable location for me and they found me space on the oncology floor. What a space!!!! However, when they made all the arrangements, my 12 family members arrived to see me and feed me (and right about at shift change). Did the staff frown? Did they seem angry? NO!!! They shut us all in the room and let us do our thing. It was so wonderful to spend that time with my family. What wonderful customer service....and from the heart, not faked!
Soooo; dinner done, family gone - let's get me to the next phase of recovery. A quiet and quick wheelchair ride to the oncology floor. I know the ICU staff was waiting for my room for another critical patient, but they NEVER made me feel in a rush. That is great service and great nursing professionalism for you!
On the oncology floor - wonderful staff! From my patient care tech who asked personal questions about me and really got to know me, to the dietary representative who gave me lunch recommendations, it was an honor to be treated there. I was pondering my future choices for treatment, and my night shift nurse searched the internet for me and pulled some great information. My day shift nurse was a leader in communication and coordination! I had an ICU nurse come to remove my drain and dressing and they didn't skip a beat working together. I am so proud of my nursing breathern! I am so proud I work at MDMC with these people. As the day progressed and all medical providers gave me the "good to go home", the staff all let me know that it depended on how I felt. I could stay longer if I wanted. Now, for those that know me, the last times I have been in the hospital, I have cried like a baby if I had to stay a minute past the bare minimum of discharge! ("You have to pay me to be here!" has been my mantra!) But this time I felt no such desire. It was a very comfortable place to be and recover and regain some strength before headed back to the "controlled chaos of home"!
I also recall back to when I was admitted after chemo for some low white cell counts. The difference between that admission and this admission is like night and day. The hospital has been working hard on changing the culture of the care that we give. I know - I've been to the mandatory training sessions! Its working! I felt honest care and compassion from EVERY EMPLOYEE that I met during this stay. It was amazing! To our competitor hospitals - you better watch out because you have met your match!
I will be tweaking and editing this post into a letter to the new because this needs to be know: how great MDMC is!!!!!
Medication Side Effects
Was just online looking at the side effects of Herceptin (the drug I take because the second recurrence was HER2+ and that blocks that receptor) (FYI: HER2 breast cancer is more likely to spread to the brain) It looks like any little symptom and I can blame it on that! HAHAHA! Actually, from reading other breast cancer discussion boards, once I get off the steroids I should feel alot better: sleep, my face won't be the size of a full moon, they say I'll be nicer (won't that be nice!).
Right now here are the drugs I'm on:
Antiseizure pill for post surgical precaution (hopefully only for 6 months)
Herceptin IV infusion once a week for the rest of my life so cancer doesn't come back in body.
steroids for brain swelling (hopefully wean off soon!)
Then, all the medications for the steroid side effects: (which is all bowel related, so I'll spare you the details!)
This is for a woman that took Flinstone chewables when pregnant because I couldn't remember to take the vitamins!!!! I have to have all my meds in my phone to remember when to take what!
What a new life I am learning to lead! The Lord leads you in new paths, so I am excited to follow his lead!
Right now here are the drugs I'm on:
Antiseizure pill for post surgical precaution (hopefully only for 6 months)
Herceptin IV infusion once a week for the rest of my life so cancer doesn't come back in body.
steroids for brain swelling (hopefully wean off soon!)
Then, all the medications for the steroid side effects: (which is all bowel related, so I'll spare you the details!)
This is for a woman that took Flinstone chewables when pregnant because I couldn't remember to take the vitamins!!!! I have to have all my meds in my phone to remember when to take what!
What a new life I am learning to lead! The Lord leads you in new paths, so I am excited to follow his lead!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Post-op Day 1-2
So, let me see if I can remember a recap. I think I've had a lot of conversations that I don't remember very well! I hope people are not taking advantage of me!!!!!
So, Thursday was surgery. I posted about the PACU and a little of the ICU stay. The nurses on the ICU were all so awesome! Very professional and kept me very comfortable. Thank you ladies! I met with LOTS of doctors during this whole thing. Very different perspective for me! I saw the neurosurgeon, neurologist, oncologist, physical therapist. Wow, that's a long list of recommendations! Whew! The good thing is that they all had positive things to say:: I'm doing well, can go home when I feel ready. I don't know if I feel ready yet, but its good to know I'm physically clear!
By Friday in the ICU I was progressing along - got that foley out fast, art line out, continuous monitoring off, central line out to be replaced by my mediport. The only thing I have left right now is the drain from the head incision. That will be removed this morning (is it Saturday now?). I am soooo looking forward to that and a shower. Not sure about logistical arrangements of removing the dressing and drain, but that is where I will stay firmly a patient and let the nurses do their business!
I will be doing my cancer treatment today - the magical Herceptin that is blocking any of the HER2 growth. I will be on this drug for a long time - but that's a good thing. I was on some message boards and when you added up all the years for people in stage IV, it was like 145! I will contribute to that record!
Physically doing really well, no pain, no nausea. I only feel "fuzzy". I don't know how else to explain. I see fine, doesn't appear to be any personality changes (at least nobody has told me!), but I think it will just take me a little longer to process things for awhile. Gotta go get some SUDOKO to help that! HAHAHA.
So, just thinking I should go back to bed, I think the steroid rage is mellowing now! I'll keep you all posted!
So, Thursday was surgery. I posted about the PACU and a little of the ICU stay. The nurses on the ICU were all so awesome! Very professional and kept me very comfortable. Thank you ladies! I met with LOTS of doctors during this whole thing. Very different perspective for me! I saw the neurosurgeon, neurologist, oncologist, physical therapist. Wow, that's a long list of recommendations! Whew! The good thing is that they all had positive things to say:: I'm doing well, can go home when I feel ready. I don't know if I feel ready yet, but its good to know I'm physically clear!
By Friday in the ICU I was progressing along - got that foley out fast, art line out, continuous monitoring off, central line out to be replaced by my mediport. The only thing I have left right now is the drain from the head incision. That will be removed this morning (is it Saturday now?). I am soooo looking forward to that and a shower. Not sure about logistical arrangements of removing the dressing and drain, but that is where I will stay firmly a patient and let the nurses do their business!
I will be doing my cancer treatment today - the magical Herceptin that is blocking any of the HER2 growth. I will be on this drug for a long time - but that's a good thing. I was on some message boards and when you added up all the years for people in stage IV, it was like 145! I will contribute to that record!
Physically doing really well, no pain, no nausea. I only feel "fuzzy". I don't know how else to explain. I see fine, doesn't appear to be any personality changes (at least nobody has told me!), but I think it will just take me a little longer to process things for awhile. Gotta go get some SUDOKO to help that! HAHAHA.
So, just thinking I should go back to bed, I think the steroid rage is mellowing now! I'll keep you all posted!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Funny PACU drama
Okay, so wanna hear about my drama? I'm glad I gave my aunts awesome oatmeal raisin cookies to those nurses cuz they earned it!!! Usually I don't remember anything for awhile in the PACU (at least I think I've been there awhile before I start talking). This time around I remember wheeling towards the OR. I was thinking: where's that Versed? Give me more doc!!! But, then bliss happened and I don't remember anything else until PACU. Which then I remember alot! They want a chest xray, my head was hurting, I'm tense and anxious! All I want is for David the be there to hold my hand!! I beg: "he'll keep me calm, I won't complain, my bp will be better. I want him here!". They tell me about privacy for other patients. I pull out my card: I didn't have a call bell, you (nurse) where over there and I need my husbands hand to hold!!! I was not nice!!!
They finally caved (or finished their work enough) that he could come in to see me. Aaahh, sweet relief!!! I relaxed, let the pain meds work and let the staff work! Of course, we pushed our luck when David wanted to take video of me saying I'm okay!!! We can never leave good enough alone, huh!!!!
So, David went back to waiting and I calmed down to awaiting my transfer to ICU! I'm sure my nurse was happy for report! Hopefully she enjoyed some cookies and can get a good laugh from me! Thank you for your patience!!!!
So see y'all: I'm not strong - I'm a whiney baby!!!
They finally caved (or finished their work enough) that he could come in to see me. Aaahh, sweet relief!!! I relaxed, let the pain meds work and let the staff work! Of course, we pushed our luck when David wanted to take video of me saying I'm okay!!! We can never leave good enough alone, huh!!!!
So, David went back to waiting and I calmed down to awaiting my transfer to ICU! I'm sure my nurse was happy for report! Hopefully she enjoyed some cookies and can get a good laugh from me! Thank you for your patience!!!!
So see y'all: I'm not strong - I'm a whiney baby!!!
Recovery
So, laying in the Neuro ICU and am amazed at how NORMAL I feel!!! This really isn't that bad!! How can brain surgery be so "nice"? By the healing power of God. It can be the only reason!!! I put my faith wholly, fully, solely in him. The mustard seed of faith, and he moved the mountain!!!
So, right now I'm lying in the bed with SCDs on my legs (feels good), an art line to monitor blood pressure (low normal), EKG monitoring (heart rate is really low, don't know why). I have a central line and some IV fluids, but don't really need them. I'm on an antibiotic (standard), monitor my sugars every 4 hours (standard). I'm on my steroids for swelling, but hope to wean off those. I have started anti seizure medications as a precaution and will stay on those. I'm not in any pain, but just taking occasional Norco pill!!
I have ALL my hair, (that I can tell) and a big bandage. I get up and walk to the bathroom just fine. The nurse tells me I should move to "step-down" soon cuz I'm so active.
The plan I heard/remember from the docs are to get a CT to look at the brain tomorrow. They'll also look at my incision and the drain. That has to be healing before I can go anywhere. Right now, I'm okay where I'm at: I do want to go home, but I'm pretty comfortable here.
David is ZONKED on the cot they gave him!!! I'm really glad about that because he had a rough night last night. I hope he's sleeping well!!
Kaley Ann Rhodes! You bring tears if joy to my eyes thinking about you and all the comfort you have given me and David. I don't know what wonderful thing I did to get you as a friend, but boy did I luck out. I cannot express fully the depths of my emotions for you. Thank you darling!!! I love you very much!!!!
So, right now I'm lying in the bed with SCDs on my legs (feels good), an art line to monitor blood pressure (low normal), EKG monitoring (heart rate is really low, don't know why). I have a central line and some IV fluids, but don't really need them. I'm on an antibiotic (standard), monitor my sugars every 4 hours (standard). I'm on my steroids for swelling, but hope to wean off those. I have started anti seizure medications as a precaution and will stay on those. I'm not in any pain, but just taking occasional Norco pill!!
I have ALL my hair, (that I can tell) and a big bandage. I get up and walk to the bathroom just fine. The nurse tells me I should move to "step-down" soon cuz I'm so active.
The plan I heard/remember from the docs are to get a CT to look at the brain tomorrow. They'll also look at my incision and the drain. That has to be healing before I can go anywhere. Right now, I'm okay where I'm at: I do want to go home, but I'm pretty comfortable here.
David is ZONKED on the cot they gave him!!! I'm really glad about that because he had a rough night last night. I hope he's sleeping well!!
Kaley Ann Rhodes! You bring tears if joy to my eyes thinking about you and all the comfort you have given me and David. I don't know what wonderful thing I did to get you as a friend, but boy did I luck out. I cannot express fully the depths of my emotions for you. Thank you darling!!! I love you very much!!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Out from brain surgery talking!!!!
Well I was just told that she woke up asking questions from the operating table. All went well. According to the surgeon the tumor is consistent with metastasis from breast cancer. All came out okay and was sent to pathology for further studies. It's to early to determine any side effects due to surgery and post-surgery swelling.
Thank God all is going well to this point.
Her hubby
David.
Thank God all is going well to this point.
Her hubby
David.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Request for Assistance
Okay,
So, I've thought of something that I would like someone to help me out with! It's a very easy task! :)
I have a little male kitty that needs to be neutered! I will pay for the low-cost clinic, if someone can help make the arrangements and take him to get the procedure done, I would be grateful and it would help ease some stress!
David's number is 817-291-9302 and you can text him if you're interested!
Thanks!
So, I've thought of something that I would like someone to help me out with! It's a very easy task! :)
I have a little male kitty that needs to be neutered! I will pay for the low-cost clinic, if someone can help make the arrangements and take him to get the procedure done, I would be grateful and it would help ease some stress!
David's number is 817-291-9302 and you can text him if you're interested!
Thanks!
Relaxing Day
Well, just getting ready to go to bed. Have to get up at 0400 to get to the hospital. I have bribed the ICU nurses, I got my hook-up on the unit, I have home-made cookies I'm bringing to the OR nurses. I got my delicious massage today! I got an awesome prayer group going (in multiple locations!!!), my mommy came to see me today! It's been a wonderful day!
I feel at peace, calm and strong. I know the Lord is with me and will protect me. I know he is working through my talented medical team to keep me safe and healthy. I really am not worried about anything right now. Of course, who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, but today is GOOD!
Lots of love, lots of tears (but happy ones!) and I have faith that Jesus believes in me and has plans that I have no way to understand or know! I just need to be me!
I feel at peace, calm and strong. I know the Lord is with me and will protect me. I know he is working through my talented medical team to keep me safe and healthy. I really am not worried about anything right now. Of course, who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, but today is GOOD!
Lots of love, lots of tears (but happy ones!) and I have faith that Jesus believes in me and has plans that I have no way to understand or know! I just need to be me!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Date night
Had a fun night out with David tonight. When to Texas Roadhouse - gotta say, the best steak place we've been too. I guess that's our style - simple with peanuts all over the floor!
Too bad there were no good movies playing right now! We went to see Immortals. DUMB!!!!!! We had more fun talking with each other and playing on the phone during the movie than actually watching it. Oh, the follies of old people!
Now it's time to rest, relax and enjoy our bed. Kids are actually in their own bed tonight! Yeah.
Have a great night y'all!
Too bad there were no good movies playing right now! We went to see Immortals. DUMB!!!!!! We had more fun talking with each other and playing on the phone during the movie than actually watching it. Oh, the follies of old people!
Now it's time to rest, relax and enjoy our bed. Kids are actually in their own bed tonight! Yeah.
Have a great night y'all!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Physical feelings
So, I've been requested to give physical status updates as well as the introspective and spiritual insights! So I will oblige my loyal followers! :)
It's starting to drain on me. I have always prided myself on being "strong" and moving forward despite how I feel. It was important to me to meet whatever goals I had set for myself and not letting anything stop me. (Although I loved to whine about it - right Baylor girls!!!). So, being so weak and dependent on others has been a difficult journey for me. I don't trust myself to drive, so everyone takes me places. I feel really woozy and discombobulated. During the weekend I almost passed out. That was a scary feeling. Fortunately David was there to help me through it. It makes me a little nervous for surgery. Past surgeries I have been home really soon and I didn't make any demands on the nursing staff. I'm nervous for this one. I haven't been thinking about it because I can't change it. Whatever will happen will be outside my control!! Whew!! How scary!!! But, back to that whole trust in the Lord thing I'm going with. It does help. I'll be praying in church for Him to keep that faith and good feelings in my heart!!
Good thing that this is almost done! It's really hard to think and I don't think I could hide it from work much longer!! Everyone has been so understanding and supportive, so I am so sad to not be able to do what I want for them. I so want this to be over so I can do those projects I want to do!!! So much to do, so little time to do it right!!!
Went to church this evening. I really needed to connect. As the days get closer, it gets harder to ignore what's going to happen. I have to say, I'm really scared. I'm trying not to show it, cause there is nothing to do about it, but I cry ever time I think about it. I hate to have people see me cry!! But what can you do. Surgery is scary. Brain surgery is scarier! I'm gonna keep going back to what I know, the fear of the unknown is worse than all. That's what I think has me in its grips. It was good to go to church and hear about the role of the faithful: be obedient, be faithful and have courage. That's what I need to focus on: do my part, have faith and courage and God will protect me. He has do so far and he will not let me down. It's a hard path for a woman that always wants to know the right answer, to understand the problem! Ohh, I anticipate a bunch of tears in the next couple of days. Hopefully everyone can stay strong for me! Just give me a hug, dang it!
I feel like I was a little rambly today....but I'm gonna use the excuse that I have a brain tumor! I only have that excuse for 2 more days! I gotta get good use out of it!
Love ya all!
It's starting to drain on me. I have always prided myself on being "strong" and moving forward despite how I feel. It was important to me to meet whatever goals I had set for myself and not letting anything stop me. (Although I loved to whine about it - right Baylor girls!!!). So, being so weak and dependent on others has been a difficult journey for me. I don't trust myself to drive, so everyone takes me places. I feel really woozy and discombobulated. During the weekend I almost passed out. That was a scary feeling. Fortunately David was there to help me through it. It makes me a little nervous for surgery. Past surgeries I have been home really soon and I didn't make any demands on the nursing staff. I'm nervous for this one. I haven't been thinking about it because I can't change it. Whatever will happen will be outside my control!! Whew!! How scary!!! But, back to that whole trust in the Lord thing I'm going with. It does help. I'll be praying in church for Him to keep that faith and good feelings in my heart!!
Good thing that this is almost done! It's really hard to think and I don't think I could hide it from work much longer!! Everyone has been so understanding and supportive, so I am so sad to not be able to do what I want for them. I so want this to be over so I can do those projects I want to do!!! So much to do, so little time to do it right!!!
Went to church this evening. I really needed to connect. As the days get closer, it gets harder to ignore what's going to happen. I have to say, I'm really scared. I'm trying not to show it, cause there is nothing to do about it, but I cry ever time I think about it. I hate to have people see me cry!! But what can you do. Surgery is scary. Brain surgery is scarier! I'm gonna keep going back to what I know, the fear of the unknown is worse than all. That's what I think has me in its grips. It was good to go to church and hear about the role of the faithful: be obedient, be faithful and have courage. That's what I need to focus on: do my part, have faith and courage and God will protect me. He has do so far and he will not let me down. It's a hard path for a woman that always wants to know the right answer, to understand the problem! Ohh, I anticipate a bunch of tears in the next couple of days. Hopefully everyone can stay strong for me! Just give me a hug, dang it!
I feel like I was a little rambly today....but I'm gonna use the excuse that I have a brain tumor! I only have that excuse for 2 more days! I gotta get good use out of it!
Love ya all!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Fortunate-ity
So this weekend was a wonderful weekend. Full of family, friends, outings and good times.
As I've mentioned time and time before, my life is so full of blessings. It makes me think about the concept of fortuitious. What makes me so "lucky" to have been given these blessings? What about those people that are facing a similar situation as mine, but do not have the resources for assistance, and therefore are worried and stressed about so much more than I? What makes me and my circumstances special? What makes God grant me these friends and family? Is it that God helps those that help themselves? Am I just special and deserve it? Did I live the life God wanted me to? I'm not sure it's the answer to any of those questions. Talking with David, maybe its the way that God want human goodness and goodwill to spill over throughout the world. I feel so wonderful by these people, that I want to go out and make others feel good. People feel good about helping me, then they want to go and help more people, the more people they help, the more people are helped and then want to help some more: a positive cycle!
I watched this little video on the power of oxytocin as a trust hormone and that it increases human morality. The researcher on it said that we could increase oxytocin production in our bodies by giving 8 hugs a day. These hugs pass on oxytocin to others and increase trust and morality, or common sensibility to our fellow man. I think that's a really good idea. I'm finding that I really like hugs! So, if you're around me, expect to probably get a hug! I'm just in a touchy-feeling mood lately!
So....wow. I'm gonna keep on trying to work through the meanings of all these blessings (hopefully that's not too presumptous of me? To try to understand God? But, just to find the peace in the understanding.) I do like the idea of it creating to a positive mental picture in the world and helping right the wrongs of today's ego-driven society.
So, spiritual message and political message all in one! Will wonders never cease for me!
Love you all and having a wonderful night! Thank you all for joys and blessings! I pray that tomorrow finds you all safe and secure, healthy and happy; ready for a great new day!
As I've mentioned time and time before, my life is so full of blessings. It makes me think about the concept of fortuitious. What makes me so "lucky" to have been given these blessings? What about those people that are facing a similar situation as mine, but do not have the resources for assistance, and therefore are worried and stressed about so much more than I? What makes me and my circumstances special? What makes God grant me these friends and family? Is it that God helps those that help themselves? Am I just special and deserve it? Did I live the life God wanted me to? I'm not sure it's the answer to any of those questions. Talking with David, maybe its the way that God want human goodness and goodwill to spill over throughout the world. I feel so wonderful by these people, that I want to go out and make others feel good. People feel good about helping me, then they want to go and help more people, the more people they help, the more people are helped and then want to help some more: a positive cycle!
I watched this little video on the power of oxytocin as a trust hormone and that it increases human morality. The researcher on it said that we could increase oxytocin production in our bodies by giving 8 hugs a day. These hugs pass on oxytocin to others and increase trust and morality, or common sensibility to our fellow man. I think that's a really good idea. I'm finding that I really like hugs! So, if you're around me, expect to probably get a hug! I'm just in a touchy-feeling mood lately!
So....wow. I'm gonna keep on trying to work through the meanings of all these blessings (hopefully that's not too presumptous of me? To try to understand God? But, just to find the peace in the understanding.) I do like the idea of it creating to a positive mental picture in the world and helping right the wrongs of today's ego-driven society.
So, spiritual message and political message all in one! Will wonders never cease for me!
Love you all and having a wonderful night! Thank you all for joys and blessings! I pray that tomorrow finds you all safe and secure, healthy and happy; ready for a great new day!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
SWEET SUCCESS!!!
The purge has been successful! Thank you all to my wonderful friends for feeding me nasty beverages and plenty of fiber and water.
Onward to the matter of prevention from this point forward!
Onward to the matter of prevention from this point forward!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Gratitude and a big-head
I have been so blessed and fortunate to receive so many gifts in this past two weeks. These gifts have been all over the place: modest, excessive, unexpected, given with love, given with hope, financial, emotional, spiritual. The whole gamut!! I have people say: you don't have to thank me.....use it well however you see fit.
How does one do this and not take for granted? How does one keep the significance of this in my being?? I don't feel like I can say "thank you" and move on my way. It's not just paying for my lunch today, "I'll get you tomorrow!". I think that is my struggle right now. I want to move forward and past this crisis to be a testament to the gifts I have been given. I want these things to MATTER!! I guess maybe it's a little fear I'm feeling right now. I want to be worthy of these things!!! I pray that the Lord shows me my path as I move through this journey that these gifts I have been given now are passed forward, not forgotten, not discarded!!!
So, what's my bottom line of this ramble??? Hmmm, people: don't expect me not to thank you! Every post I write is an expression on thanks because you are giving me the resources to be able to do it!!! I will never forget!!
How does one do this and not take for granted? How does one keep the significance of this in my being?? I don't feel like I can say "thank you" and move on my way. It's not just paying for my lunch today, "I'll get you tomorrow!". I think that is my struggle right now. I want to move forward and past this crisis to be a testament to the gifts I have been given. I want these things to MATTER!! I guess maybe it's a little fear I'm feeling right now. I want to be worthy of these things!!! I pray that the Lord shows me my path as I move through this journey that these gifts I have been given now are passed forward, not forgotten, not discarded!!!
So, what's my bottom line of this ramble??? Hmmm, people: don't expect me not to thank you! Every post I write is an expression on thanks because you are giving me the resources to be able to do it!!! I will never forget!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Old frIends!
Sitting in a hotel room because my old college friend has come to see me!! So happy that she was able to drag me from my house. A quiet room, a bath, a bed to myself! It is nice to have some quiet adult time too.
Makes you realize that you can't have everything!!! What are you gonna be happy and satisfied with??? Me, I'll enjoy my "me-cation" tonight and LOVE my home tomorrow!
But as I type this, I do have to realize: I love my family and my comfortable tiny house!! I'll miss my hubby tonight, my soft bed and tons of pillows and my creature comforts!!!
Note: thank you to the prayer vigil for my test tomorrow. I went to church tonight too and I did feel a presence in me, a sense of belonging! It is so amazing to feel this growth and change within me. Especially cuz it's from a higher power and NOT a tumor!!
Makes you realize that you can't have everything!!! What are you gonna be happy and satisfied with??? Me, I'll enjoy my "me-cation" tonight and LOVE my home tomorrow!
But as I type this, I do have to realize: I love my family and my comfortable tiny house!! I'll miss my hubby tonight, my soft bed and tons of pillows and my creature comforts!!!
Note: thank you to the prayer vigil for my test tomorrow. I went to church tonight too and I did feel a presence in me, a sense of belonging! It is so amazing to feel this growth and change within me. Especially cuz it's from a higher power and NOT a tumor!!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Mis amigas especiales
Okay chicas,
Ustedes saben quien son! Paula, Maria, Kathy! Mi espanol no es muy bueno, pero escuchen con su corazon! Tengo mucho amor por las lecciones que me enseñan Tengo demasiada Fe y fuerza porque tengo amigas como ustedes! Me encantan las oraciones que tienen conmigo y con su igelsia. Mis niñas se sienten muy a gusto con tu carino y eso es muy importante para mi. Las quiero mucho y no hay mas a hablar! Muchas, muchas, muchas gracias. Mas de los que se imaginan!
Mua mua mua
Mexicana en mi alma - Andrea!
Ustedes saben quien son! Paula, Maria, Kathy! Mi espanol no es muy bueno, pero escuchen con su corazon! Tengo mucho amor por las lecciones que me enseñan Tengo demasiada Fe y fuerza porque tengo amigas como ustedes! Me encantan las oraciones que tienen conmigo y con su igelsia. Mis niñas se sienten muy a gusto con tu carino y eso es muy importante para mi. Las quiero mucho y no hay mas a hablar! Muchas, muchas, muchas gracias. Mas de los que se imaginan!
Mua mua mua
Mexicana en mi alma - Andrea!
Fundraiser
To all:
My Arlington friends are working on putting together a garage sale for 12/3/11. The contact person for this is my sister Linda Murillo: lindamt82@gmail.com and 817-454-6664 if you have any items that you would like to donate for Christmas sales!
Ideas for supplemental income are always welcome!
My Arlington friends are working on putting together a garage sale for 12/3/11. The contact person for this is my sister Linda Murillo: lindamt82@gmail.com and 817-454-6664 if you have any items that you would like to donate for Christmas sales!
Ideas for supplemental income are always welcome!
STEROIDS = BADNESS!
Wow, steroids are throwing me for a loop today! Very emotionally unstable! I feel so bad about looking at people at NOT LIKING THEM!!! What a dichotomous feeling when I feel so much love and support from everyone! Ouch! I think sometimes I just need some quiet. After I finally got home, gave the girls a bath and got us to sleep (or I guess them since I"m awaking typing - right!), I feel a little better. I hope I don't have to stay on these drugs too long because my poor family doesn't deserve my ire!
Plus, what miserable stomach problems. I finally understand about my poor sister and how uncomfortable you feel bloated and full! So looking forwards to a special batch of a bowel prep made by friends. I am at the point that I will take nasty stuff! My how the mighty fall!
I want to give a wonderful shout out to all my friends that are holding prayer groups for me. It means so much to me. I have bookmarked a devotional site on my phone and plan to spend some quiet reflection time reading the scriptures. Again, things I have been interested in, but not devoted the time. Seasons change! Thank you LORD, for putting these people in my life and showing me the strength that you have given this world and your children!
Plus, what miserable stomach problems. I finally understand about my poor sister and how uncomfortable you feel bloated and full! So looking forwards to a special batch of a bowel prep made by friends. I am at the point that I will take nasty stuff! My how the mighty fall!
I want to give a wonderful shout out to all my friends that are holding prayer groups for me. It means so much to me. I have bookmarked a devotional site on my phone and plan to spend some quiet reflection time reading the scriptures. Again, things I have been interested in, but not devoted the time. Seasons change! Thank you LORD, for putting these people in my life and showing me the strength that you have given this world and your children!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Thank you - WOW!
I am so blessed at the people in my life and the steps they go to to make sure that I don't have to do anything! As any mother, we take great pride in meeting the every need of our family: anticipating, planning, doing. It bugs me that I'm not doing the things I usually do for my family. But then I look around at the 10 people the tiny house and see all the love that has been gathered for me. How wonderful! Thank you! (I'm writing this for me because sometimes my pique gets going and the steroids grow it. (I know excuses) But God knows I'm not perfect and he lets me have my dip, only to raise me back up again.)
The highs and lows
Wow, I think the steroids are fueling hormone surges! I go from up to down soooo fast!
So, story of Monday: First things first: The PET scan that I took on Friday was CLEAR!!!!!! (Well, it's a very confusing and technical report, but there are no scary words on it!) I'm so happy about it. I knew it would be that though. I remember when I went to go look at my second biopsy report and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that it wasn't gonna be good. No feeling like that. Just knew it was gonna be fine. I take it as a testiment to the strength God has given my body to fight this damn thing. Yes, it's fast and it moved - but dang....it stayed small, well-prescribed to a single location AND I found out sooo FAST! What positive signs!
Well, move from feeling great about telling people so a little reality shocker. So, I feel like my symptoms are increasing: more headaches, vision really blurry, feel a little off-kilter. I'm blowing it off, cuz...what are you gonna do? I have a really large and well-matured brain - it doesn't like that little tumor taking up room! HAHAHAHA! But, I figure I should let someone know. I hear my little conscious in the back of mind (otherwise known as Kaley) tell me to get on the phone...so I do. I call the neurosurgeon - talk to the oncologist. Call the oncologist (she always does her calling at like 7pm, so it'll be a wait). So, I figure she'll just say..okay, we'll write that down, thanks. No. Bum, bum, bum: increase steroids (MORE??? How will I ever sleep?), come in tomorrow for another brain scan. It makes me nervous for why they want to do that? What would it change? Would it change surgery? (Excuse me...I have plans already! The 17th is close enough!) My oncologist has already told me that sometimes I ask for too much information - what will this new scan give me? Okay.. I'll stop now. I think I'm probably scared of getting the contrast and last time it made me nauseous! David did talk me down from my ledge and then I did some meditation before sleep, so while its an up and down process...I need to stay with my rock: there is a plan for me, and it is to survive and shine!
So, story of Monday: First things first: The PET scan that I took on Friday was CLEAR!!!!!! (Well, it's a very confusing and technical report, but there are no scary words on it!) I'm so happy about it. I knew it would be that though. I remember when I went to go look at my second biopsy report and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that it wasn't gonna be good. No feeling like that. Just knew it was gonna be fine. I take it as a testiment to the strength God has given my body to fight this damn thing. Yes, it's fast and it moved - but dang....it stayed small, well-prescribed to a single location AND I found out sooo FAST! What positive signs!
Well, move from feeling great about telling people so a little reality shocker. So, I feel like my symptoms are increasing: more headaches, vision really blurry, feel a little off-kilter. I'm blowing it off, cuz...what are you gonna do? I have a really large and well-matured brain - it doesn't like that little tumor taking up room! HAHAHAHA! But, I figure I should let someone know. I hear my little conscious in the back of mind (otherwise known as Kaley) tell me to get on the phone...so I do. I call the neurosurgeon - talk to the oncologist. Call the oncologist (she always does her calling at like 7pm, so it'll be a wait). So, I figure she'll just say..okay, we'll write that down, thanks. No. Bum, bum, bum: increase steroids (MORE??? How will I ever sleep?), come in tomorrow for another brain scan. It makes me nervous for why they want to do that? What would it change? Would it change surgery? (Excuse me...I have plans already! The 17th is close enough!) My oncologist has already told me that sometimes I ask for too much information - what will this new scan give me? Okay.. I'll stop now. I think I'm probably scared of getting the contrast and last time it made me nauseous! David did talk me down from my ledge and then I did some meditation before sleep, so while its an up and down process...I need to stay with my rock: there is a plan for me, and it is to survive and shine!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Epiphany
Okay, so I last left you hanging with the promise of epiphany. And I know you all are amazed that I would know and use that word for me, because usually my word would be "oblivious".
So...as I sat telling my mother and sister, (Just to clarify, these are my in-laws, but they are the family of my heart: second mother and first sister forever!) I was relishing in my usual role of comforter, explainer, fixer, etc when I realized....I didn't want to do it. I stopped and then I let them cry. I let them hurt. Now, we're family, I KNOW I've hurt them and made them cry before, but it was always (in my mind) unintentional and I could fix it and make it better (see, see, the nurse in me coming out!). This felt different though. This felt like I didn't have to fix it. It is what it was. I think that gave me a sense of peace. A deep breath. My conversation with my husband was similar. It wasn't a bunch of bawling or dramatics, it was quiet and solemn and I felt resolved to move forward, not sit in defeat.
I think I really calmed to this diagnosis quicker than to the others. Well, yes...I've had some practice now, but really by Sunday I was not tearful. At this point my biggest sorrows were for not seeing my daughters grow up: graduation, quinceneras, weddings, grandkids, etc and the stress on my own mom, thinking how she was feeling. I had already done all my in-depth Google/Wikipedia research, which actually was quite inspiring because I am NOT like all these other Stage IV people. My goodness: I'm healthy! This tumor must be growing fast, but my body responds and immediately tells me! It is so amazing! (Retrospection is so wonderful - itsn't it?)
So, Monday I go see my therapist and he helped me cement a couple of things:
So...as I sat telling my mother and sister, (Just to clarify, these are my in-laws, but they are the family of my heart: second mother and first sister forever!) I was relishing in my usual role of comforter, explainer, fixer, etc when I realized....I didn't want to do it. I stopped and then I let them cry. I let them hurt. Now, we're family, I KNOW I've hurt them and made them cry before, but it was always (in my mind) unintentional and I could fix it and make it better (see, see, the nurse in me coming out!). This felt different though. This felt like I didn't have to fix it. It is what it was. I think that gave me a sense of peace. A deep breath. My conversation with my husband was similar. It wasn't a bunch of bawling or dramatics, it was quiet and solemn and I felt resolved to move forward, not sit in defeat.
I think I really calmed to this diagnosis quicker than to the others. Well, yes...I've had some practice now, but really by Sunday I was not tearful. At this point my biggest sorrows were for not seeing my daughters grow up: graduation, quinceneras, weddings, grandkids, etc and the stress on my own mom, thinking how she was feeling. I had already done all my in-depth Google/Wikipedia research, which actually was quite inspiring because I am NOT like all these other Stage IV people. My goodness: I'm healthy! This tumor must be growing fast, but my body responds and immediately tells me! It is so amazing! (Retrospection is so wonderful - itsn't it?)
So, Monday I go see my therapist and he helped me cement a couple of things:
- What a kick-ass support system I have of family, friends, co-workers. There is nothing he can advise me on!
- I can't take away the pain from my daughter by not telling her and she deserves to have me share this with her. She needs and deserves to see my true feelings and thoughts and not the "Mom" version. It might be more painful for me, but she will come out stronger for it
The other thing I came out my session with was the question that how would I know I was faithful enough? Would I rush to because baptized Catholic (I'm Lutheran, but practice Catholic with the family)? Would I rush to Mexico and crawl to the Virgin Mary in supplication for her grace and intervention? Would I go to church every week without fail? Do I have faith, or am I just putting it out there? I liken it to training new staff to their new job. "Fake it until you make it" Go out and act like how you think I nurse would act and then eventually you'll do it. But, there are alot of "ways" christians act. Are all ways full of faith? I wanted to be genuine, sincere, honest. These are really important qualities for me and I wanted to BE THEM.
So, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday. All stinking week! I have people from all over writing me on facebook, calling me, supporting me. We are here for you Andrea! We will take care of your needs: food, cleaning, kids, money, housing, daycare, christmas, decorating. Any conceivable need was addressed as "Let me help you." And I realized - here was my sign! I can't close my eyes and heart and just use a rationale reason for why people were helping me. They were helping me because God sent them! God put me on this path, introduced me to these people, molded me into the person I am, so that I would have this support in the future when I needed it. Ahhh, the omniscience of the Lord! :)
So now, how can I worry? How can I presume to have more knowledge than Him? I can't. So I don't. I'm not searching the web (except for the practical matters of surgery and recovery). I'm not asking why. I'm not scared. Ok, well maybe a little scared of post-op pain! But, overall I'm not fearful. I feel peace and resolve and hope. I want to laugh and have fun and enjoy my days at work and with my family. Oh my goodness I have so much to do before surgery!
I hope my husband is seeing the light too. I think he is having the most issues with this and of course, his machismo sometimes gets in the way. I want him to feel the peace I do and the trust. I trust, I know, I feel that everything will turn out great. I will be the 20 year survivor to this.
I went to the 3-day closing ceremony for Susan G Komen today to support a friend who committed a tremendous amount of time and energy to walk for 3 STINKING DAYS!!!! Whoo-hooo!! But, it got me thinking.....introspective like (which is pretty new for me...so watch out!) When I was first diagnosed, I didn't treat this like a life-long journey. It was a bump in the road, met with a distinct set of plans to remove it and move on with life as we know it. Now, its not. It's a life-altering set of plans. It's a constant reminder to prioritize. And when I mean prioritize, its about including me and what I want, not what the family wants/needs, work wants/needs. I need to get down and spend some quiet time with my soul and how I want to feed it. I think this exposure to all these different people will help me grow in that direction! I'm so excited to think about the future and all the wonderful things that it holds!
Well, it took quite a bit for me to get my epiphany, but I've never been good at taking hints! However, I plan to do my best to make the best situation out of this.
Thank you all for helping me find this light and peace. I could NOT have done it without you!
Well, it took quite a bit for me to get my epiphany, but I've never been good at taking hints! However, I plan to do my best to make the best situation out of this.
Thank you all for helping me find this light and peace. I could NOT have done it without you!
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