Okay, so I promised to post about the gift wrapping party! CRAZY!!! All you ladies are crazy! I just can't believe the amount of stuff that was given to my family. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable because there are sooooo many families out there that are struggling. I always come back to the fact that y'all gave these gifts out of the goodness and generosity in your hearts to make this Christmas be as stress-free as possible for me. I soooo appreciate that! I'm trying to wrap my brain around that and just accept the gifts. It's hard, ladies! I'm telling you! I don't know if its hard because I want to be independent (I don't think so), because I want to be one giving to others (maybe a little) or because I want to be the honey badger (most likely).
It makes me start to psychoanalyze myself a little. Sooo, if you don't like psychoanalysis, you may want to skip this section! I think I have always wanted to "prove" myself worthy. To my parents, my friends, my co-workers...anyone. That I'm worthy of the love and attention they give me, etc. So, I do a lot to make sure I have done that. Maybe even go overboard. But while I like when people give me feedback that what I did was good, I still have this thought that I'm just barely getting by, barely doing the minimum. So, I know I always joke about how awesome I am, and how smart I am, but I think I say that because I don't really believe it. And when I joke about it, and people joke back with me, then I can "blow off" what they say as a joke. "See, we really don't think you're smart or awesome...we're all joking about it." kind of thing. So, all this support I'm getting now isn't a joke. It can't be played off as a joke, or something that isn't important. It shows that people are genuine and sincere in their donations. You are giving these gifts because it means something to you, that I meant something to you. And I think that is what is the hardest for me to accept. That I did have an impact. It's what I've thought about that I've wanted to accomplish for my life: to impact people and help them change (usually in a professional context). But I don't think I really thought that I did it. Then I received a card, out of the blue, from Brownsville telling me how much they appreciated my contribution to their unit. WOW! I have that card in my purse because I like to read it often. When I look at my list of what I wanted to accomplish, versus what I actually did, I see that I left many things out. But when you change perspective, I helped people accomplish a lot on their units.
I don't feel like I am doing anything special. I feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. But as I read other blogs about people with breast cancer I realize a couple things: 1: this spiritual "awakening" and re-prioritization of life are not unique to me! Everyone has these feelings and 2: most people are like I was in September 2010 - have a plan, wipe out cancer and never think about it again. The reality is starting to set in that I will never be able to forget I had cancer. It will be a constant battle. It's not an unwinable battle. It's just a constant: medical, diet, exercise, stress/priorities. My life will never be the same...My perspective has changed. Of course, we're still in the transitional phase. Some days are easier to accept the change than others. What do I want to do? How do I want to spend my time? These are questions that will need to be answered as I get stronger and better.
Okay, that's enough of all that. I don't really know what I said or what I was trying to say, but a least I can look back on this post and remember! Sooo, back to the party! My friend Kaley is such a surprise fanatic! She planned this huge thing where I had to go on a "treasure" hunt with clues. People: I just had brain surgery and I am on steroids. I just read a book, but those damn steroids effect your mood and concentration and my frustration tolerance is at an all time LOW! But, nevermind - Kaley made these little "clues" about where I could find my "surprise". So I had clues that revealed to me a $1, $5, $10, $20 and $50 bill, then came the big one. (I'm just gonna tell everyone - I required A LOT of help to find these surprises). The big surprise was the total amount from the bracelets: $2700!!!!!!!!!! All because of you guys! You guys love to sell!!! All you guys: from Baylor family, Methodist family, Brownsville family, my family AND strangers! It's ridiculously cool! (and as a side note, I don't know why I feel more comfortable with this and not with the gifts?) It was amazing! I'm putting that money in savings. Right now I am using all the donations and bracelet money to pay bills. I've run out of my PTO/sick time. So, we expect that David should have a job by the end of February because he needs his license and DEA number first. Whatever is left over will cover medical expenses. We'll start a new year with a new deductible soon, so we'll have some immediate bills.
So, back to the gifts....there are so many that it fills up the entire back of the Tahoe: back seat and trunk! It was amazing! I don't know what the kids said because I left to California very early the next day. I'm actually still here. I leave tomorrow to go back to reality!
It was a great trip in Venice Beach with my friend Nancy. She's the only friend from college I keep in touch with! That's a lasting friendship! I got to walk around her really great neighborhood and imagine a different life (with my family) and how awesome it would be (of course, reality never matches the dream, but it seems like a nice dream). I got my first ever Thai massage, I got a haircut, I rode a bike (haven't done that in a long time either!). Best of all, I got to really have adult conversations with my friend. It was great and relaxing and I wanna do it again! Stay away cancer so I can go visit all my friends in cool cities! (Like New Orleans, Kim!)
So, tomorrow I leave..and I'll probably need to bug Nancy to get up and take me (she is not a morning person!) :))) (That's the best I can do for a smiley - remember what happened last time?), so I need to go to bed!
I learned this in a blog I was reading...I will use the same sign-off for all my posts now. I think it's cool
24 Days Cancer-free Fight Like a Girl!
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