Garage Sale

WOW!!!!

 I just have to say how wonderfully blessed I am!  I have so much awesome stuff for the garage sale, that it is just going to be so successful!  I can't wait!!!  I have sofas, filing cabinets, lawn equipment, guy stuff, housewares, decorating stuff, TONS of baby stuff and toys, clothes (high end stuff too!).  It's gonna be awesome.  Thank you all so much who have donated stuff, and even priced it because you know how my mathematical faculties are off!

I am sooo excited to do this garage sale!  It's gonna be so much fun!

So, as you all know: I love to organize!  Make lists, throw things out, put like things together....so organizing for the garage sale is right up my alley.  I can thank my mother for this obsession of mine!  I didn't get a chance to walk yesterday or today because I was so busy, but I was walking and standing all day organizing, so we'll play that off as even.  I will be walking tomorrow, though!

It's been an eye-opening week as far as being a stay-at-home mom.  It's made me realize that I really need to be more consistent with the girls.  I'm glad I have this opportunity to do that!  The one that needs a lot of attention right now is Yerena!!!  My drama queen!  She knows the rules, but she is sooo sneaky at trying to get around them.  "I just forgot, I got confused!" are her go-to responses!  So, today she got into a little bit of trouble and we're working on her discipline/punishment.  Ahh, the joys of parenting!  I'm a little embarrassed to say that my kids definitely need more!  So, again: I'm here, I'm present and I'm making the changes that are needed to improve my life AND the life of the future.  I wanna raise my children to be as "*wonderful*" as me!  And I would insert a funny smiley, but that will frustrate me too much!

So what else is on my mind?  13 days cancer-free!
Got approved with insurance for Tykerb, so I'll get that drug tomorrow.  (That's the drug that hits HER2 positive tumors and crosses the blood-brain barrier.

Had a huge blessing happen today.  It is so miraculous on how it happened.  So, yesterday David and I are going through the bills and realizing that we might not have the money to make an automatic payment (just because of timing issues).  We were scrambling to transfer some monies around and I'm thinking of what we'll make on the garage sale/bracelet sales to help make bills.  Then, out of the blue I receive a donation from the blog that helps resolve a lot of issues.  I can't say anything else but the Lord provides when needed!
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.

Okay, so I've posted, kids are asleep (2/3 of them at another house) and I am off to sleep alone in my bed.  What blessings!  Hopefully I'll sleep ALL night!

I love my life! :) :) :)  I love my family :) :) :)    I love my friends :) :) :)

New Treatment Plan

So, I think I'm ready to post about Monday 11/28/2011.  Eleven days cancer-free and the day the "latest" treatment plan.  I don't know why it seems like such a big deal...as I look back, I have made these type of decision too many times!  Remember when my Baylor friends staged an intervention to light a fire under me to get treatment started?  That was supposed to be the big decision: chemo versus surgery.  How many treatment decisions have I made since then.......Too many to count!  And of course it always seems like the current decision is the most scary, or important, or biggest decision of all.

So, just to let everyone know the typical treatment, for each "diagnosis" I've had, the general plan has been a combination of surgery to remove the tumor, radiation to clear the local area of the cancer and chemo to clear the possible wide spread of the cancer.  For me, surgery was really scary, but chemo no, so chemo is always an "easy" choice for me.  Turns out, radiation is really scary for me too1  When I was recommended to do radiation on the original breast tumor,  I was shocked.  My breast surgeon and medical oncologist had prepared me that I didn't require it (I only had 1 lymph node positive out of 11 that they took).  It was my radiation oncologist and her conservative recommendation regarding new research out of Europe that put radiation on the table.  It was not something I was planning on (and it delayed the reconstruction plan!)  It basically messed up a lot of stuff!  But I remember thinking:  "I've been super aggressive up to this point.  I've done 2 surgeries so far.  I would regret not doing radiation if the cancer ever came back.  So I decided on the radiation.  I haven't told anybody this, but I cried for the first week for every session.  The techs were so sweet to me, giving me lots of hugs and sitting down and trying to comfort me.  It is a really lonely experience to do radiation and I think that's why its so scary to me. At least with surgery, I have versed and don't remember anything!  With radiation you are alone in the room, can't move, surrounded by huge machines shooting invisible poison at you.  I just remember feeling so alone and scared.  David and I had a little self-counseling session and after that I felt better.  I didn't cry anymore during treatment.

Just as a side note, the treatment decision for the recurrence were actually the easiest decisions I've made.  No struggle or problems with that surgery, radiation and chemo plan.  Of course, I didn't have time to do the chemo before the 3rd round hit!

So, here we are now at round 3: Stage IV breast cancer with brain metastasis.  What people say is the "scariest type", or "least researched", "fewest options" Whatever.  IT's all scary and it's all with the fewest options!  I feel actually really lucky because it is by the grace of God that I even found this out.  I really didn't have any symptoms to do a brain MRI (I had a single headache after a new drug - that usually is considered a routine side effect!).  I could be running around right now, oblivious to growing tumors in my brain and doing the same old junk I was doing before.  Now I have the knowledge about the important things in my life: relationships!

So, back to round 3.  Same general treatment plan as before: surgery (not so scared of that now!), chemo (never scared of that), radiation (Ohh, I"m scared of that!)  Why is radiation even scarier now?  Cognitive function!  I consider myself a pretty intelligent person (Okay, yes...I am a know-it-all!  But, I make everything sound so good! .  

{{Side note - that emoticon just took me 30 minutes to figure out how to do.  There will NOT be any more!}}

SO, back to radiation to the brain.  David and I did a lot of research and thinking.  Do we do it now? Do we watch and save it for any future growth?  How will it affect me?  Will I still be me?  Will my words still be "manna from heaven" as I've joked they are?  Will I always have an answer for everything?  Because come on now - you all know that that's how I am!  Right or wrong, love it or hate it, but that's me.  Would I still be me if I did radiation?

That's the clincher.  Everything else I've done hasn't affected who/what I am.  It's affected how I look.  That's nothing - looks change.  Whether you have a boob or not, have hair or not, have burnt skin or not, doesn't change you.  Brain radiation might.  It affects memory and cognition.  I teach classes, I need the words to express the concepts.  That's what I feel is one of my gifts, being able to explain difficult concepts in ways that people understand.  Would I still be able to do that?  Should I hold off the possibility of losing that to when/if (because it might never come back) any tumor comes back in the brain.  I mean right now - I"m cancer-free!  Should I just trust in God to keep me this way?  Trust his plan?  If I had faith, isn't that what I should do?  That the tiny mustard seed of my faith will move the mountain of cancer from my path, never to raise again?

Or is it my duty to do the work.  Do the steps necessary to prevent a recurrence.  Do my obligation as a faithful Christian?  This is more the direction I believe in.  I remember a mass I went to where the reading was about a blind man who was waiting at Jericho as Jesus walked by.  He was beseeching Jesus to cure him.  People were pushing him aside and telling him to be quiet, but he was persistent and keep asking until Jesus found him, brought him to his side and asked him what he needed.  The man asked for sight and Jesus healed him.  He was faithful, obedient to the Lord, persistent and courageous in the face of so many obstacles.  That is why Jesus healed him.

That's more what I think I need to do.  Like what I've done with all the decisions so far: be aggressive.  Do the nasty work that has to be done, do the medical treatments, plus living right.  I haven't moved into the highly experimental or alternative treatments yet, but hey: I"m still young! We'll see what happens!


So, I'm so glad I just wrote that.  It just really cemented the decision for me.  Helped me accept what I need to do.  I guess maybe I have more willpower and self-control than I ever though I did.

Okay - so back to the realities of the day.
Went to see my medical oncologist.  I gave pictures of the family to the front desk at Texas Oncology and to Dr. Harth.  I have such a beautiful family and they have never seen them.  I think they really appreciated that.  Also, they set up the girls on the angel tree, so now they get to see what they look like.  Fortunately, the pictures were taken before my face turned into a circle from the steroids, so even I look good!  Dr. Harth recommended whole brain radiation, said we'd discuss a chemo plan with the Baylor guru, but that would happen after radiation, started me on my steroid taper (I love her for that!) and made plans to follow up on the Tykerb medication (which is for HER2 and crosses the blood/brain barrier), and to continue on the weekly Herceptin.  I told her that she won't be able to retire, because I won't take another doctor and I'll be here for like another 30 years!  It was a good visit and I am so happy about my treatment team.  I really feel like she understands what I need (information) and is good about giving it to me, or giving me the second opinion options.  The final piece of information she gave me was the results of the molecular studies that were sent out with the recurrence.  This is some very technical information that I don't really understand.  It basically looked at all these biochemical markers of the tumor and then what current drugs will work the best.  The Baylor guru requested them and they are probably more for retrospective research than active treatment.  However, as I sit and read the report, here's the "high points"

• My tumor isn't strongly HER2+.  It's just a "little" positive.  They just point out that Herceptin might not be highly effective, although Tykerb is a recommended agent.
• I may have some benefit with anthracycline-based therapy (which is the Adriamycin that I first took, but platinum-based therapy probably won't work well.
• There are a couple other drugs that are options for the type of biomarkers I have (gemcitabine, desatinib, sunitinib), so I have options if the cancer comes back somewhere.
• 2 biomarkers "suggest a shorter recurrence-free survival, overall survival, poor prognosis, early recurrence and shorter disease survival"

So, wow...what to say about that.  I don't think anything.  I didn't read this information until after I had made the decision about radiation.  So, I think this just seals the deal that I need to be as aggressive as possible now to reduce the possibility of recurrence.  I think it brings around the same discussion that I've had with myself frequently.  These numbers are general statistics.  They are not me, they are not individual.  They really don't mean anything to me personally.  My time is dictated by somebody else.  If he has a plan for me, (which is what everything points to), then it doesn't really matter what the statistical prognosis is.  I will be around for those 30 years because that's the plan.  OR, take away a cancer diagnosis and I get in a car crash from distracted driving and I'm gone tomorrow.  Nobody knows the answer to that question: how much time?  So, I think after today, I'm gonna file away that report and not look at it again and continue my walks every day where I thank God that I have today and promise to make the best day possible.  To make someone smile today.  To be polite in the face of rudeness, to make a difference in someones day with a smile or a hug or a sincere "How are you."  That's what makes me feel good.  That's what I want to accomplish every day.  (Gosh, how life gets simple when you think like that!)

Okay, back to details: went to my physical therapy appointment for my left arm lymphadema.  It was so nice!!!!! It's like a little massage!  But I definitely needed it!  That stupid arterial line (which didn't even work!) made my arm swell up and after the appointment is definitely felt smaller.  Thanks Jenn!  I'll be making my twice a week appointments and keeping those!

Then I went to the second opinion for radiation at UTSW.  IT was a long wait, but the information was definitely what I needed.  Some good points that helped me: in his opinion, breast cancer metastasis to the brain recurs about 50%.  Radiation to the brain can reduce that to 20%.  The cognitive issues can be addressed by doing radiation dosage over a longer time period and potentially avoiding key areas.  For young breast cancer patients, cognitive function is not as impacted as with the lung cancer patients (cuz those people have been smoking for years and smoking impacts the brain function).  Also, since I already function at a high level, am young, don't have other disease, I should have less impact that any research/data would suggest).  He said there are options regarding just localized radiation to the surgical area, but that doesn't address recurrences in other parts of the brain.  Same thing with watching and waiting.  You do scans every 3 months and watch for any symptoms of a tumor and try to "catch it quick".  Of course, there is no guarantee that when/if it grows back it will be "treatable".  Meaning it might be in a bad location or have too many to treat locally with surgery or targeted radiation.  So, basically there is risk either way (DUH) and I have to be good with the decision.  He didn't recommend either option to me and to be honest, I didn't ask.  I think when he asked the question: What is your biggest fear, I knew what my decision was.  My answer was "Recurrence".

So: recap:

• Finish surgical recovery
• Continue with Herceptin and get started on Tykerb
• Continue with project healthy living: diet, exercise, positivity
• Start whole brain radiation in December
• When radiation is done, do chemotherapy (drugs to be determined)
• Be a good christian, have faith that the "3rd times the charm" and I will be cancer-free forever more!

Thanks for putting up with the extremely long post.  This was very cathartic for me and I feel alot better right now than I did when I started this post.  I'm gonna go back to sleep now actually!  Good night, God Bless, and thank you so much for family and friends.  I couldn't do it without y'all!  And that is the truth!!!  

Post Thanksgiving Haze

So, I've been reprimanded again regarding my posts.  But, I do have an excuse: I was in a fog from Thanksgiving.  So many blessings were given, I just couldn't rise out of the coma! Plus, it was a "boring" weekend.  (Not really, but it was low-key!)

Friday was a nice day for me to just be by myself.  That's right folks, I was allowed to be alone!  I drove myself to the hospital and did my Herceptin treatment #6!  It was sooo nice! Why was it nice?  Because I was independent!  I drove myself there, I had the awesome Friday lunch (catfish, brown rice, veggies and salad).  I never want to change my treatment days because I love that lunch soo much!  Afterwards David and I went shopping for a bit and I finished the night with a pedicure/manicure/should rub with my sister.

Why did I need a pedicure/manicure?  Because that damn Herceptin!  Actually, Herceptin is not that bad. Here's a list of the side effects

1. NO cancer growth
2. no CANCER growth
3. no cancer GROWTH
4. Mouth sores
5. Jacked-up nails
6. Fatigue X 2 days

The truly evil drug is Decadron.  It is the hatest and most feared of all the drugs known to man.  I hate to say it, but Decadron is the "honey badger" of my life right now!  Side effects:

• Insomnia/agitation/inability to rest
• Wanting to eat everything in sight
• Moon face - people don't recognize me!!!!
• Acne....acne!!!!
• Bloating/weight gain
• Weak leg muscles - I can't even get up from kneeling!
• Not dealing well with frustration
• Balance issues
• Peeing all the time
• Poor vision/double vision

The best news I got today was that in 20 days I will be off Decadron!  I will have to celebrate with something wonderful.  Good thing I have 20 days to ponder!

Saturday was a nice day because I became a Catholic madrina (Godmother) to a close friend's son.  Soon I will be an actual Catholic as well, so I'll know the rules to guide him!  Right now I just serve as a witness.  But, it was really moving for me to see and hear how the catholic church accepts the new life into the church and to also explain to Leonardo how his light is shining in Heaven and God sees him. 

What was very interesting and enlightening about the Baptism is what the families consider appropriate attire to wear to a child's baptism.  I would think half the people there would have been more comfortable with a drink in their hands versus a baptism shell.  It was ridiculous and shameful!  OMG: I sound like my father!!!!!

After that I was able to take a wonderful nap (remember the fatigue of Herceptin - it actually cuts through the insomnia of Decadron!  And, to top off the night, I finally saw a good movie.  It took long enough, though!  It was Tower Heist.  Completely unrealistic movie - but enjoyable and funny enough to laugh.  That was the best part!  (Well, that and being out with David!)  He's sooo sweet!  Don't tell him though because I think he thinks he's losing his mojo and will want to spend copious hours at the pool hall finding it again!

Sunday was a sadder day (more sad?  Is sadder a word? Less happy day, maybe?) because I had to help David pack to leave to McAllen.  I could tell he didn't want to leave either.  He said he wanted to leave by 9 so it wouldn't be too late, but I don't think he actually left the city until like noon!  There was always something to do (like upload photos, or eat, or organize the closet!  It was sad, but he needed to go!  He needs to go make me some money!!!  Keep me in the lifestyle I have become accustomed to.  Oh, I forget, that's 6 people living in 1200 sq ft.  Maybe I need him to make more money than I'm accustomed to!  HAHAHAHAHA!

Sunday also was a milestone because I drove (again) AND I drove at night!!  HAHAHAHA.  I'm still alive to talk about it!  Really people - driving is no more an issue now for me than before.  Actually, I'm probably better at it now because I focus more on it.  Elena is my tattle-tale and will not let me be on my phone (which is good, since now you can get a ticket for texting!), so I have nothing to do but look at the cars around me.  How boring!!!  

So, the weekend ended very successfully and I was ready to prepare for the next week of school and the new routine that I want to be my healthy schedule.  Monday was a VERY eventful day, both personally and medically.  To be honest, I'm really drained from Monday.  It's 1100 pm right now and I'm actually going to go to sleep (that usually happens at midnight or later).  I promise I will post tomorrow on the HUGE changes I will be facing.  

That's the teaser to keep you guys coming back!  

Thanksgiving 2011

Well, I just have to post after such an extraordinary day. I feel like this is a new beginning, a new chapter, a new lease on a new life. I want to make sure it is the fullest in meaning (not activity) that it can possibly be. Today was a great example of that!

Now, just to start off - I had some bad moments that I need to work on, but I'm gonna let myself off the hook since I'm still recovering from surgery! :)

So I actually had a really good night last night. Slept about 6 hours, which on steroids is pretty amazing. I looked up some awesome information about ladies with stage IV breast cancer (total of like 66 women having survived 220 years leading full and complete lives). Got up and did my routine and walked with David and had a really good conversation with him. I was getting worried that everyone is going to be second-guessing me and looking for personality changes and am I different and all that stuff. But he reassured me that I'm still the same annoying person who makes bad financial decisions - same as before! :)

Since I didn't have any groceries, I was gonna make pancakes for the girls.  Unfortunately, our stove broke in the middle of pancakes!  Oh no!  Fortunately, my breast cancer support group came to the rescue with cupcakes for the girls to decorate.  What a miracle that these were given the night before my stove breaks!!!!  So, the girls get to decorate and eat cupcakes and frosting for breakfast.  What a great Thanksgiving start!

I spend the entire morning with the girls: we watch movies, clean and organize their room (which is a really fun adventure for me, not so much for them!) and get them fed and ready for Thanksgiving.  All by myself cuz the family was out running errands!

I had a little setback after that, but it was more because I was feeling down about how I look.  Moon face, pimples, bloating and mouth sores.  Herceptin does suck a little.  There's my little pity party, now back to the program!

I was so blessed this Thanksgiving to have some wonderful people donate food for my family.  These are people that don't even know me, but came together and brought food for not just a family of 5.....a family of 12!  Which was added to 20 with close friends.  It was amazing and delicious the food that was prepared and brought to my sisters house.  We have those party table and chairs already, so we had that set up in the living room to seat the 8 kids and 12 adults.  We got nice throw-away plates and silverware, plus a little decor.  I thought it looked great (and fast and simple - which is always a plus!).

I had to contribute because this is my holiday, so I made my famous garlic mashed potatoes, sweet baby carrots and strawberry spinach salad.  Very easy stuff to make!  The most difficult thing was me trying to plan warming all the food at the same time!  Thank god for microwaves!!!

We had a fried turkey - I've never had that and it was delicious!  We had a ham which was delicious as well.  Stuffing, gravy, cranberries, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and sweet potatoes that were to die for!  It was all so good!  My plate was LOADED with everything.  Don't worry - I did use steroids as an excuse for why I needed to eat so much!

We had plenty of food for everyone and we all got to go home with leftovers for the next day.  Of course, I had to take the meat because I'm the honey badger!  Everyone else got just the sides!

And don't think it stopped there, we still had dessert: apple pie, pumpkin pie and/or pecan pie based on your preference.  What a meal!  What a night!

Now, the most important thing about the meal was the meaning.  I was able to explain to my hispanic family why Thanksgiving has always been more special to me than Christmas.  Why I will work Christmas and New Years, but never Thanksgiving.  Why I try to make it a point to see my family during this time.  It's about the relationships, and at this point in my life, relationships is what has made the difference.  The difference between a successful fight against cancer or not.  The difference between the peace I feel and what others experience.  The difference between what the medical team thought for me, and the reality of my life.  I was able to teach each of the 19 people there what they mean to me and tell each child my hopes for them.  (David helped me translate into spanish, even though I was really rude to him.  I will blame it on steroids while I can, but he was very patient with me today!  Tomorrow my morning meditation will be on no excuses for my behavior!

After that I let everyone eat.  Y'all know that hispanics never start anything on time, so I think we didn't get to eat until like 5:30 or 6:00 and I had planned on like 4:30!  Everyone was starving!  Then the kids all spoke about what they were thankful for and then the adults.  It was so nice to hear what people had to say and gave some insight into their hopes.  I really enjoyed it.

In fact, I want this to be a tradition.  I would like to do something every year and cook for everyone and share in this special event.  I need to plan though......I still want to celebrate it with my northern family (that's what I'll call you guys "northern").  Hmmmm, now I have to think on this!  Maybe I'll incorporate this into my hispanic Christmas, I don't know.  But what I really want to continue is the giving of thanks, sharing of food, celebration of the relationships that have been forged.  That doesn't need to be on a set date, but just that it's done every year as a celebration of every year of life we have been given.

What does this medical stuff mean?

So I've had some people ask me about what the future holds and whether I have brain cancer or breast cancer, so I'm going to do some educating!  We'll see how good I do!  I have noticed that my math skills are SORELY LACKING right now!

So... I was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2010.  It was about 2 cm and called "Triple Negative" because it didn't have any special receptors that could be used to fight the tumor.  It was classified Stage II.  I did the standard course of treatment, but chose to do chemo first.  So, 2 rounds of chemo (6 months total), then the surgery to remove the cancer.  Sometimes the chemo will kill all the cancer and there will be no "lump" to remove.  This did not happen with me.  When they removed the tumor in the breast, they checked the lymph nodes in the armpit and found that 1 out of the 11 they removed had some tumor in it.  This was not necessarily bad, just not great.  So, that's how I got both breasts removed and some lymph nodes in my left armpit.  I did not do reconstruction, because I was waiting for David to get a job and money before we did something that I would need alot of time off work for.  So the plan was to be done and over with breast cancer (Wasn't that a nice plan!!)
The next surprise was the radiation, which I didn't expect to need, but was recommended solely based on my age and type of breast cancer.  However, because I eventually wanted to have a nice chest again, I would need to put something back in the breast to stretch it out so that the radiation wouldn't "ruin" the reconstruction.  So, then I needed to go back and get tissue expanders placed in the breasts and fill them.  This took a couple of weeks to accomplish.

The current thinking is that the original tumor was a mess of different type of little cancer cells.  Some of them were "triple negative" and some of them were HER2+.  Now, none of the testing they did found the HER2+ cells, but they were there.  Any HER2+ means that the cells grow really fast!  So, while I was waiting to start radiation, a little mass of cells was growing.  And so in September 2011 (a year after my original diagnosis), I had another lump in the breast.  So, standard treatment: surgery to remove it, radiation to "clear" the area and possibly more chemo or meds.


It was fortunate that we tested the new tumor. Everyone thought it would be the same as the original (triple negative), but it wasn't.  This now gave us a new drug to help fight.  At this point, I am still considered Stage II breast cancer, with a local recurrence.  I had a little more radiation than was originally planned and I also had a plan with the oncologist to start a new round of chemo and also Herceptin, which is a drug that specifically blocks the HER2 receptor and prevents those cells from growing.


So a month after I find the second lump, I have a headache after a treatment.  Not a big deal, right....wrong!  That's when we discover the metastasis (the spread).  So, October 2011 (13 months after original diagnosis, 1 month after recurrence) is when I am diagnosed as Stage IV breast cancer with brain metastasis.  So, what does that mean?  Well, you can go and look at your own prognosis, but I focus on ME.  All the statistics out there don't mean anything for an individual, just for a general population.  I think the main thing to understand is that now I have a chronic disease.  It is "uncureable, but treatable".  So, I have to change my lifestyle, just like someone diagnosed with heart disease or cholesterol or diabetes.  All those things kill people early too!


 So, back to the brain: first step to this is surgery to remove it.  It is confirmed that the tumor was breast cancer and I am waiting on the pathology to determine if it is HER2+ or triple negative or something different.  Right now, I have NO CANCER that we can tell.  That's a really great thing.  It's nowhere in my body as confirmed by CT and PET scans.  It's also nowhere that they can see in my brain based on post surgical MRI scans.

What the future?  That's the big question!  It involves taking the drugs that "control" the HER2 status.  These drugs I will be on for as long as they work (so hopefully forever!).  It involves another round of chemotherapy to kill any microscopic cells that are circulating around my body and brain.  It could possibly involve radiation to the brain to kill any microscopic cells that are sitting up there.

For me, that's the scariest thing: radiation to the brain.  How might that change me?  It seems more permanent than the chemo.  I have some big decisions to make.

The other thing is work....what becomes of work??????  I love my job.  I love what I do.  Will I be able to continue?  That is a big question as well.  But, as those that know me, denial isn't just a river in Africa!  It's my coping!  So I will defer those questions to when I have more information!

So bottom line:
all breast cancer  
all gone from body    
God, good living, and following doctors orders will keep it that way!
I will see my oncologist past her retirement!

"Amazing Recovery"

So, I haven't posted in a couple days and I don't want to let down my loyal followers!  HAHAHA!  I think it's so cool that anyone follows me.  I think that doing this blog has helped me more than any paper journaling has ever done because it gives me a purpose.  Knowing that people might read what I say makes sure I think about what I want to say!  So, thank you all for making me think!

So I was in Walmart picking up some groceries with my sister and a man whose wife gave me a prayer saw us.  He pulled my sister aside and said: What's she doing here? Didn't she just have surgery???

It made me think...yeah I just had surgery, but I'm not doing anything extraordinary.  I'm just living life.  I'm not pushing myself or working hard, just moving forward.  It's not me that's doing anything amazing.  It's the grace of the Lord.  Anything I'm doing, I'm doing because he has allowed me.  I have nothing to compare my recovery to - am I on track, doing better, doing worse?  I'm not sure it really matters.  I think I'm doing what I need to be doing: getting healthy.  I'm really proud of myself and I hope I am making the steps for long-lasting healthy life.  I'm watching what I'm eating (in moderation, not extreme), I'm walking and stretching (in moderation, not extreme), I'm thinking about me and life and priorities (in moderation, not extreme).  I think in the past I have made the goals too high, too difficult to maintain.  I want to avoid that this time.  I want what I do to be do-able.  Which is why I'm happy I have this blog: its been do-able and keeps me accountable to my own goals!

Sometimes I worry that I'm changing too much, like maybe becoming too fervent or pollyana or religious.  Maybe, but if gives me peace, I think I'll do it.  I hope you can all tolerate me in the future!!!!

Actually, as I think about it, I'm really enjoying this recovery because right now that's all I need to focus on.  In the coming weeks I have a lot of doctor appointments to get information to make the future decisions for treatment.  This is the easy step...those are more difficult decisions to live with.

Recollections from inpatient stay

Wow,

I have to say, I think this will be a long post!  It is about how wonderful my hospital stay was at Methodist Dallas Medical Center.  Let me just start off by saying: I WORK HERE!!!  I know my friends and co-workers took a special interest to make sure that I was cared for and had every need met.  But I have to say, everyone made me feel like they were doing it as routine.  From the admission in same day surgery, to the discharge from the hospital oncology floor, it was smooth, seamless, great communication and teamwork and I feel special.  It was amazing to experience and I am so proud to work for this organization!  We have been recognized as the best place to work and I FEEL IT!

We also have been spotlighted in the news about the care that we give.  I'm here to say: the care was TOP NOTCH!  Again, from the support staff of registrations, chaplain, dietary, housekeeping - to the professionalism of the physicians, OR staff, and nursing staff, I have had no complaints.  It has been truly amazing!

When I was admitted, they quickly did their paperwork and got me hooked up with an advanced directive (David was very nervous something would happen and needed that.  Chaplain was here and paperwork was done in less than 30 minutes.....at 4am no less!!!! My friends and Reverand Phil were able to come and stay with me until the prep.  The surgical team explained everything I needed for consent forms and what to expect.  As my family waited in the waiting room, they keep them continually updated on my progress and where I was going.  Nobody has mentioned to me, but I think the waiting room accommodations were good (plenty of kleenex!)

My team in the ICU was excellent!  They started taking lines out of me as soon as I asked (and I'm sure as soon as I was stable enough!  I had to go to the bathroom so often and my poor nurse had to unhook me from everything soooo many times!  Thank you!  It does a body/mind/soul good to wear underwear and walk to the bathroom!
They had arranged for David to spend the night and had a little cot for him.  They let him do this even in and ICU!!!! and they had to manuever around him!  But they never made us feel like it was an inconvience to have him there.

As I became more stable, the ICU started searching for a more suitable location for me and they found me space on the oncology floor.  What a space!!!!  However, when they made all the arrangements, my 12 family members arrived to see me and feed me (and right about at shift change).  Did the staff frown?  Did they seem angry?  NO!!!  They shut us all in the room and let us do our thing.  It was so wonderful to spend that time with my family.  What wonderful customer service....and from the heart, not faked!

Soooo; dinner done, family gone - let's get me to the next phase of recovery.  A quiet and quick wheelchair ride to the oncology floor.  I know the ICU staff was waiting for my room for another critical patient, but they NEVER made me feel in a rush.  That is great service and great nursing professionalism for you!

On the oncology floor - wonderful staff!  From my patient care tech who asked personal questions about me and really got to know me, to the dietary representative who gave me lunch recommendations, it was an honor to be treated there.  I was pondering my future choices for treatment, and my night shift nurse searched the internet for me and pulled some great information.  My day shift nurse was a leader in communication and coordination!  I had an ICU nurse come to remove my drain and dressing and they didn't skip a beat working together.  I am so proud of my nursing breathern!  I am so proud I work at MDMC with these people.  As the day progressed and all medical providers gave me the "good to go home", the staff all let me know that it depended on how I felt.  I could stay longer if I wanted.  Now, for those that know me, the last times I have been in the hospital, I have cried like a baby if I had to stay a minute past the bare minimum of discharge!  ("You have to pay me to be here!" has been my mantra!)  But this time I felt no such desire.  It was a very comfortable place to be and recover and regain some strength before headed back to the "controlled chaos of home"!

I also recall back to when I was admitted after chemo for some low white cell counts.  The difference between that admission and this admission is like night and day.  The hospital has been working hard on changing the culture of the care that we give.  I know - I've been to the mandatory training sessions!  Its working!  I felt honest care and compassion from EVERY EMPLOYEE that I met during this stay.  It was amazing!  To our competitor hospitals - you better watch out because you have met your match!

I will be tweaking and editing this post into a letter to the new because this needs to be know: how great MDMC is!!!!!

Medication Side Effects

Was just online looking at the side effects of Herceptin (the drug I take because the second recurrence was HER2+ and that blocks that receptor)  (FYI: HER2 breast cancer is more likely to spread to the brain) It looks like any little symptom and I can blame it on that!  HAHAHA!  Actually, from reading other breast cancer discussion boards, once I get off the steroids I should feel alot better: sleep, my face won't be the size of a full moon, they say I'll be nicer (won't that be nice!).
Right now here are the drugs I'm on:

Antiseizure pill for post surgical precaution (hopefully only for 6 months)
Herceptin IV infusion once a week for the rest of my life so cancer doesn't come back in body.
steroids for brain swelling (hopefully wean off soon!)
Then, all the medications for the steroid side effects: (which is all bowel related, so I'll spare you the details!)

This is for a woman that took Flinstone chewables when pregnant because I couldn't remember to take the vitamins!!!!  I have to have all my meds in my phone to remember when to take what!

What a new life I am learning to lead!  The Lord leads you in new paths, so I am excited to follow his lead!

Post-op Day 1-2

So, let me see if I can remember a recap.  I think I've had a lot of conversations that I don't remember very well!  I hope people are not taking advantage of me!!!!!

So, Thursday was surgery.  I posted about the PACU and a little of the ICU stay.  The nurses on the ICU were all so awesome!  Very professional and kept me very comfortable.  Thank you ladies!  I met with LOTS of doctors during this whole thing.  Very different perspective for me!  I saw the neurosurgeon, neurologist, oncologist, physical therapist.  Wow, that's a long list of recommendations!  Whew!  The good thing is that they all had positive things to say:: I'm doing well, can go home when I feel ready.  I don't know if I feel ready yet, but its good to know I'm physically clear!
By Friday in the ICU I was progressing along - got that foley out fast, art line out, continuous monitoring off, central line out to be replaced by my mediport.  The only thing I have left right now is the drain from the head incision.  That will be removed this morning (is it Saturday now?).  I am soooo looking forward to that and a shower.  Not sure about logistical arrangements of removing the dressing and drain, but that is where I will stay firmly a patient and let the nurses do their business!

I will be doing my cancer treatment today - the magical Herceptin that is blocking any of the HER2 growth.  I will be on this drug for a long time - but that's a good thing.  I was on some message boards and when you added up all the years for people in stage IV, it was like 145!  I will contribute to that record! 

Physically doing really well, no pain, no nausea.  I only feel "fuzzy".  I don't know how else to explain.  I see fine, doesn't appear to be any personality changes (at least nobody has told me!), but I think it will just take me a little longer to process things for awhile.  Gotta go get some SUDOKO to help that!  HAHAHA. 
So, just thinking I should go back to bed, I think the steroid rage is mellowing now!  I'll keep you all posted!

Funny PACU drama

Okay, so wanna hear about my drama? I'm glad I gave my aunts awesome oatmeal raisin cookies to those nurses cuz they earned it!!! Usually I don't remember anything for awhile in the PACU (at least I think I've been there awhile before I start talking). This time around I remember wheeling towards the OR. I was thinking: where's that Versed? Give me more doc!!! But, then bliss happened and I don't remember anything else until PACU. Which then I remember alot! They want a chest xray, my head was hurting, I'm tense and anxious! All I want is for David the be there to hold my hand!! I beg: "he'll keep me calm, I won't complain, my bp will be better. I want him here!". They tell me about privacy for other patients. I pull out my card: I didn't have a call bell, you (nurse) where over there and I need my husbands hand to hold!!! I was not nice!!!

They finally caved (or finished their work enough) that he could come in to see me. Aaahh, sweet relief!!! I relaxed, let the pain meds work and let the staff work! Of course, we pushed our luck when David wanted to take video of me saying I'm okay!!! We can never leave good enough alone, huh!!!!
So, David went back to waiting and I calmed down to awaiting my transfer to ICU! I'm sure my nurse was happy for report! Hopefully she enjoyed some cookies and can get a good laugh from me! Thank you for your patience!!!!

So see y'all: I'm not strong - I'm a whiney baby!!!

Recovery

So, laying in the Neuro ICU and am amazed at how NORMAL I feel!!! This really isn't that bad!! How can brain surgery be so "nice"? By the healing power of God. It can be the only reason!!! I put my faith wholly, fully, solely in him. The mustard seed of faith, and he moved the mountain!!!

So, right now I'm lying in the bed with SCDs on my legs (feels good), an art line to monitor blood pressure (low normal), EKG monitoring (heart rate is really low, don't know why). I have a central line and some IV fluids, but don't really need them. I'm on an antibiotic (standard), monitor my sugars every 4 hours (standard). I'm on my steroids for swelling, but hope to wean off those. I have started anti seizure medications as a precaution and will stay on those. I'm not in any pain, but just taking occasional Norco pill!!

I have ALL my hair, (that I can tell) and a big bandage. I get up and walk to the bathroom just fine. The nurse tells me I should move to "step-down" soon cuz I'm so active.

The plan I heard/remember from the docs are to get a CT to look at the brain tomorrow. They'll also look at my incision and the drain. That has to be healing before I can go anywhere. Right now, I'm okay where I'm at: I do want to go home, but I'm pretty comfortable here.

David is ZONKED on the cot they gave him!!! I'm really glad about that because he had a rough night last night. I hope he's sleeping well!!

Kaley Ann Rhodes! You bring tears if joy to my eyes thinking about you and all the comfort you have given me and David. I don't know what wonderful thing I did to get you as a friend, but boy did I luck out. I cannot express fully the depths of my emotions for you. Thank you darling!!! I love you very much!!!!

Out from brain surgery talking!!!!

Well I was just told that she woke up asking questions from the operating table. All went well. According to the surgeon the tumor is consistent with metastasis from breast cancer. All came out okay and was sent to pathology for further studies. It's to early to determine any side effects due to surgery and post-surgery swelling.
Thank God all is going well to this point.
Her hubby
David.

Request for Assistance

Okay,

So, I've thought of something that I would like someone to help me out with!  It's a very easy task! :)

I have a little male kitty that needs to be neutered!  I will pay for the low-cost clinic, if someone can help make the arrangements and take him to get the procedure done, I would be grateful and it would help ease some stress!

David's number is 817-291-9302 and you can text him if you're interested!

Thanks!

Relaxing Day

Well, just getting ready to go to bed.  Have to get up at 0400 to get to the hospital.  I have bribed the ICU nurses, I got my hook-up on the unit, I have home-made cookies I'm bringing to the OR nurses.  I got my delicious massage today!  I got an awesome prayer group going (in multiple locations!!!), my mommy came to see me today!  It's been a wonderful day!

I feel at peace, calm and strong.  I know the Lord is with me and will protect me.  I know he is working through my talented medical team to keep me safe and healthy.  I really am not worried about anything right now.  Of course, who knows how I'll feel tomorrow, but today is GOOD!

Lots of love, lots of tears (but happy ones!) and I have faith that Jesus believes in me and has plans that I have no way to understand or know!  I just need to be me!

Date night

Had a fun night out with David tonight.  When to Texas Roadhouse - gotta say, the best steak place we've been too.  I guess that's our style - simple with peanuts all over the floor!

Too bad there were no good movies playing right now!  We went to see Immortals.  DUMB!!!!!!  We had more fun talking with each other and playing on the phone during the movie than actually watching it.  Oh, the follies of old people!

Now it's time to rest, relax and enjoy our bed.  Kids are actually in their own bed tonight!  Yeah.

Have a great night y'all!

Physical feelings

So, I've been requested to give physical status updates as well as the introspective and spiritual insights! So I will oblige my loyal followers! :)

It's starting to drain on me. I have always prided myself on being "strong" and moving forward despite how I feel. It was important to me to meet whatever goals I had set for myself and not letting anything stop me. (Although I loved to whine about it - right Baylor girls!!!). So, being so weak and dependent on others has been a difficult journey for me. I don't trust myself to drive, so everyone takes me places. I feel really woozy and discombobulated. During the weekend I almost passed out. That was a scary feeling. Fortunately David was there to help me through it. It makes me a little nervous for surgery. Past surgeries I have been home really soon and I didn't make any demands on the nursing staff. I'm nervous for this one. I haven't been thinking about it because I can't change it. Whatever will happen will be outside my control!! Whew!! How scary!!! But, back to that whole trust in the Lord thing I'm going with. It does help. I'll be praying in church for Him to keep that faith and good feelings in my heart!!

Good thing that this is almost done! It's really hard to think and I don't think I could hide it from work much longer!! Everyone has been so understanding and supportive, so I am so sad to not be able to do what I want for them. I so want this to be over so I can do those projects I want to do!!! So much to do, so little time to do it right!!!

Went to church this evening.  I really needed to connect.  As the days get closer, it gets harder to ignore what's going to happen.  I have to say, I'm really scared.  I'm trying not to show it, cause there is nothing to do about it, but I cry ever time I think about it.  I hate to have people see me cry!!  But what can you do.  Surgery is scary.  Brain surgery is scarier!  I'm gonna keep going back to what I know, the fear of the unknown is worse than all.  That's what I think has me in its grips.  It was good to go to church and hear about the role of the faithful: be obedient, be faithful and have courage.  That's what I need to focus on: do my part, have faith and courage and God will protect me.  He has do so far and he will not let me down.  It's a hard path for a woman that always wants to know the right answer, to understand the problem!  Ohh, I anticipate a bunch of tears in the next couple of days.  Hopefully everyone can stay strong for me!  Just give me a hug, dang it!

I feel like I was a little rambly today....but I'm gonna use the excuse that I have a brain tumor!  I only have that excuse for 2 more days!  I gotta get good use out of it!

Love ya all!

Fortunate-ity

So this weekend was a wonderful weekend.  Full of family, friends, outings and good times.

As I've mentioned time and time before, my life is so full of blessings.  It makes me think about the concept of fortuitious.  What makes me so "lucky" to have been given these blessings?  What about those people that are facing a similar situation as mine, but do not have the resources for assistance, and therefore are worried and stressed about so much more than I?  What makes me and my circumstances special?  What makes God grant me these friends and family?  Is it that God helps those that help themselves?  Am I just special and deserve it?  Did I live the life God wanted me to?  I'm not sure it's the answer to any of those questions.  Talking with David, maybe its the way that God want human goodness and goodwill to spill over throughout the world.  I feel so wonderful by these people, that I want to go out and make others feel good.  People feel good about helping me, then they want to go and help more people, the more people they help, the more people are helped and then want to help some more: a positive cycle!

I watched this little video on the power of oxytocin as a trust hormone and that it increases human morality.  The researcher on it said that we could increase oxytocin production in our bodies by giving 8 hugs a day.  These hugs pass on oxytocin to others and increase trust and morality, or common sensibility to our fellow man.  I think that's a really good idea.  I'm finding that I really like hugs!  So, if you're around me, expect to probably get a hug!  I'm just in a touchy-feeling mood lately!

So....wow.  I'm gonna keep on trying to work through the meanings of all these blessings (hopefully that's not too presumptous of me?  To try to understand God?  But, just to find the peace in the understanding.)  I do like the idea of it creating to a positive mental picture in the world and helping right the wrongs of today's ego-driven society.

So, spiritual message and political message all in one!  Will wonders never cease for me!

Love you all and having a wonderful night!  Thank you all for joys and blessings! I pray that tomorrow finds you all safe and secure, healthy and happy; ready for a great new day!

SWEET SUCCESS!!!

The purge has been successful!  Thank you all to my wonderful friends for feeding me nasty beverages and plenty of fiber and water.

Onward to the matter of prevention from this point forward!

Gratitude and a big-head

I have been so blessed and fortunate to receive so many gifts in this past two weeks. These gifts have been all over the place: modest, excessive, unexpected, given with love, given with hope, financial, emotional, spiritual. The whole gamut!! I have people say: you don't have to thank me.....use it well however you see fit.

How does one do this and not take for granted? How does one keep the significance of this in my being?? I don't feel like I can say "thank you" and move on my way. It's not just paying for my lunch today, "I'll get you tomorrow!". I think that is my struggle right now. I want to move forward and past this crisis to be a testament to the gifts I have been given. I want these things to MATTER!! I guess maybe it's a little fear I'm feeling right now. I want to be worthy of these things!!! I pray that the Lord shows me my path as I move through this journey that these gifts I have been given now are passed forward, not forgotten, not discarded!!!

So, what's my bottom line of this ramble??? Hmmm, people: don't expect me not to thank you! Every post I write is an expression on thanks because you are giving me the resources to be able to do it!!! I will never forget!!

Old frIends!

Sitting in a hotel room because my old college friend has come to see me!! So happy that she was able to drag me from my house. A quiet room, a bath, a bed to myself! It is nice to have some quiet adult time too.

Makes you realize that you can't have everything!!! What are you gonna be happy and satisfied with??? Me, I'll enjoy my "me-cation" tonight and LOVE my home tomorrow!

But as I type this, I do have to realize: I love my family and my comfortable tiny house!! I'll miss my hubby tonight, my soft bed and tons of pillows and my creature comforts!!!

Note: thank you to the prayer vigil for my test tomorrow. I went to church tonight too and I did feel a presence in me, a sense of belonging! It is so amazing to feel this growth and change within me. Especially cuz it's from a higher power and NOT a tumor!!

Mis amigas especiales

Okay chicas,

Ustedes saben quien son!  Paula, Maria, Kathy!  Mi espanol no es muy bueno, pero escuchen con su corazon!  Tengo mucho amor por las lecciones que me enseñan  Tengo demasiada Fe y fuerza porque tengo amigas como ustedes!  Me encantan las oraciones que tienen conmigo y con su igelsia.  Mis niñas se sienten muy a gusto con tu carino y eso es muy importante para mi.  Las quiero mucho y no hay mas a hablar!  Muchas, muchas, muchas gracias.  Mas de los que se imaginan!

Mua mua mua
Mexicana en mi alma - Andrea!

Fundraiser

To all:

My Arlington friends are working on putting together a garage sale for 12/3/11.  The contact person for this is my sister Linda Murillo: lindamt82@gmail.com and 817-454-6664 if you have any items that you would like to donate for Christmas sales!

Ideas for supplemental income are always welcome!

STEROIDS = BADNESS!

Wow, steroids are throwing me for a loop today!  Very emotionally unstable!  I feel so bad about looking at people at NOT LIKING THEM!!!  What a dichotomous feeling when I feel so much love and support from everyone!  Ouch!  I think sometimes I just need some quiet. After I finally got home, gave the girls a bath and got us to sleep (or I guess them since I"m awaking typing - right!), I feel a little better.  I hope I don't have to stay on these drugs too long because my poor family doesn't deserve my ire!

Plus, what miserable stomach problems.  I finally understand about my poor sister and how uncomfortable you feel bloated and full!  So looking forwards to a special batch of a bowel prep made by friends.  I am at the point that I will take nasty stuff!  My how the mighty fall!

I want to give a wonderful shout out to all my friends that are holding prayer groups for me.  It means so much to me.  I have bookmarked a devotional site on my phone and plan to spend some quiet reflection time reading the scriptures.  Again, things I have been interested in, but not devoted the time.  Seasons change!   Thank you LORD, for putting these people in my life and showing me the strength that you have given this world and your children!

Thank you - WOW!

I am so blessed at the people in my life and the steps they go to to make sure that I don't have to do anything!  As any mother, we take great pride in meeting the every need of our family: anticipating, planning, doing.  It bugs me that I'm not doing the things I usually do for my family.  But then I look around at the 10 people the tiny house and see all the love that has been gathered for me.  How wonderful!  Thank you!  (I'm writing this for me because sometimes my pique gets going and the steroids grow it.  (I know excuses) But God knows I'm not perfect and he lets me have my dip, only to raise me back up again.)

The highs and lows

Wow,  I think the steroids are fueling hormone surges!  I go from up to down soooo fast!

So, story of Monday:  First things first:  The PET scan that I took on Friday was CLEAR!!!!!!  (Well, it's a very confusing and technical report, but there are no scary words on it!)  I'm so happy about it.  I knew it would be that though.  I remember when I went to go look at my second biopsy report and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that it wasn't gonna be good.  No feeling like that.  Just knew it was gonna be fine.  I take it as a testiment to the strength God has given my body to fight this damn thing.  Yes, it's fast and it moved - but dang....it stayed small, well-prescribed to a single location AND I found out sooo FAST!   What positive signs!

Well, move from feeling great about telling people so a little reality shocker.  So, I feel like my symptoms are increasing: more headaches, vision really blurry, feel a little off-kilter.  I'm blowing it off, cuz...what are you gonna do?  I have a really large and well-matured brain - it doesn't like that little tumor taking up room!  HAHAHAHA!  But, I figure I should let someone know.  I hear my little conscious in the back of mind (otherwise known as Kaley) tell me to get on the phone...so I do.  I call the neurosurgeon - talk to the oncologist. Call the oncologist (she always does her calling at like 7pm, so it'll be a wait).  So, I figure she'll just say..okay, we'll write that down, thanks.  No.  Bum, bum, bum: increase steroids (MORE??? How will I ever sleep?), come in tomorrow for another brain scan.  It makes me nervous for why they want to do that?  What would it change?  Would it change surgery?  (Excuse me...I have plans already!  The 17th is close enough!)  My oncologist has already told me that sometimes I ask for too much information - what will this new scan give me?  Okay.. I'll stop now.  I think I'm probably scared of getting the contrast and last time it made me nauseous!  David did talk me down from my ledge and then I did some meditation before sleep, so while its an up and down process...I need to stay with my rock: there is a plan for me, and it is to survive and shine!

Epiphany

Okay, so I last left you hanging with the promise of epiphany.  And I know you all are amazed that I would know and use that word for me, because usually my word would be "oblivious".

So...as I sat telling my mother and sister,  (Just to clarify, these are my in-laws, but they are the family of my heart: second mother and first sister forever!) I was relishing in my usual role of comforter, explainer, fixer, etc when I realized....I didn't want to do it.  I stopped and then I let them cry.  I let them hurt.  Now, we're family, I KNOW I've hurt them and made them cry before, but it was always (in my mind) unintentional and I could fix it and make it better (see, see, the nurse in me coming out!).  This felt different though.  This felt like I didn't have to fix it.  It is what it was.  I think that gave me a sense of peace.  A deep breath.  My conversation with my husband was similar.  It wasn't a bunch of bawling or dramatics, it was quiet and solemn and I felt resolved to move forward, not sit in defeat.

I think I really calmed to this diagnosis quicker than to the others.  Well, yes...I've had some practice now, but really by Sunday I was not tearful.  At this point my biggest sorrows were for not seeing my daughters grow up: graduation, quinceneras, weddings, grandkids, etc and the stress on my own mom, thinking how she was feeling.  I had already done all my in-depth Google/Wikipedia research, which actually was quite inspiring because I am NOT like all these other Stage IV people.  My goodness: I'm healthy!  This tumor must be growing fast, but my body responds and immediately tells me!  It is so amazing!  (Retrospection is so wonderful - itsn't it?)

So, Monday I go see my therapist and he helped me cement a couple of things:

1. What a kick-ass support system I have of family, friends, co-workers.  There is nothing he can advise me on!
2. I can't take away the pain from my daughter by not telling her and she deserves to have me share this with her.  She needs and deserves to see my true feelings and thoughts and not the "Mom" version.  It might be more painful for me, but she will come out stronger for it

The other thing I came out my session with was the question that how would I know I was faithful enough?  Would I rush to because baptized Catholic (I'm Lutheran, but practice Catholic with the family)?  Would I rush to Mexico and crawl to the Virgin Mary in supplication for her grace and intervention?  Would I go to church every week without fail?  Do I have faith, or am I just putting it out there?  I liken it to training new staff to their new job.  "Fake it until you make it"  Go out and act like how you think I nurse would act and then eventually you'll do it.  But, there are alot of "ways" christians act.  Are all ways full of faith?  I wanted to be genuine, sincere, honest.  These are really important qualities for me and I wanted to BE THEM.  

So, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday.  All stinking week!  I have people from all over writing me on facebook, calling me, supporting me.  We are here for you Andrea!  We will take care of your needs: food, cleaning, kids, money, housing, daycare, christmas, decorating.  Any conceivable need was addressed as "Let me help you."  And I realized - here was my sign!  I can't close my eyes and heart and just use a rationale reason for why people were helping me.  They were helping me because God sent them!  God put me on this path, introduced me to these people, molded me into the person I am, so that I would have this support in the future when I needed it.  Ahhh, the omniscience of the Lord! :)

So now, how can I worry?  How can I presume to have more knowledge than Him?  I can't.  So I don't.  I'm not searching the web (except for the practical matters of surgery and recovery).  I'm not asking why.  I'm not scared.  Ok, well maybe a little scared of post-op pain!  But, overall I'm not fearful.  I feel peace and resolve and hope.  I want to laugh and have fun and enjoy my days at work and with my family.  Oh my goodness I have so much to do before surgery!  

I hope my husband is seeing the light too.  I think he is having the most issues with this and of course, his machismo sometimes gets in the way.  I want him to feel the peace I do and the trust.  I trust, I know, I feel that everything will turn out great.  I will be the 20 year survivor to this.  

I went to the 3-day closing ceremony for Susan G Komen today to support a friend who committed a tremendous amount of time and energy to walk for 3 STINKING DAYS!!!!  Whoo-hooo!!  But, it got me thinking.....introspective like (which is pretty new for me...so watch out!)  When I was first diagnosed, I didn't treat this like a life-long journey. It was a bump in the road, met with a distinct set of plans to remove it and move on with life as we know it.  Now, its not.  It's a life-altering set of plans.  It's a constant reminder to prioritize.  And when I mean prioritize, its about including me and what I want, not what the family wants/needs, work wants/needs.  I need to get down and spend some quiet time with my soul and how I want to feed it.  I think this exposure to all these different people will help me grow in that direction!  I'm so excited to think about the future and all the wonderful things that it holds!

Well, it took quite a bit for me to get my epiphany, but I've never been good at taking hints!  However, I plan to do my best to make the best situation out of this.

Thank you all for helping me find this light and peace.  I could NOT have done it without you!  

My story

Well, how to start out?  I think I'm at a point right now where I realize how my life has taken a complete 180, and maybe this was the wake-up call I needed.  I guess God will really put the petal to the metal when he wants to show you something - especially when you're stubborn!

Anyways, I think I'm a pretty mellow and low-key person.  I LOVE my family and my friends and my job, but I am a consummate helper!  I love to help people - which is why I love being a nurse!  So, I always want to make sure I'm giving and helping enough to other people.  That I'm not selfish and self-involved.

This disease progression starting in March 2010 (as I remember).  I had a painful lump in my breast, which I thought was a hold over from breastfeeding (I had stopped 9 months ago, but who's counting!)  I never thought it would be anything bad, but it was uncomfortable, so I went to the doctor.  Of course, 33 year old, no history of anything, painful lump: watch and wait was the plan (which is COMPLETELY REASONABLE!)  I was to come back in 3 months for a re-check.  Well, life is busy for a working mom of 3 girls and a husband in school.  I didn't go back for 6 months, at which point they said: "Okay, lets get an ultrasound and look at this thing."  I thought nothing of it.  Even when the techs sent me for a mammogram at the same time, I didn't bat an eye (I actually wanted them to teach me about what they saw).  The report came back: "Suspicious".  I talked to my OB/GYN and we both though "Hogwash"  (Or maybe I thought that and he just didn't want to push me.  Memory can be so shady!)  I'm thinking, why biopsy it first before surgery (More $$$), just remove the damn thing.  So I went to a surgeon a month later (on Wednesday).  Thank goodness my husband went with me because she said: "Absolutely biopsy first.  I can't go in there if I don't know what I'm dealing with."  And my husband made me listen.

So, biopsy on Thursday and since I'm a nurse, I can look up my reports and OF COURSE I'm gonna look and see what it says on Friday.  Last thought in my mind, I kid you not, was that this would be anything but benign, no thought!  However, that was not the case: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  What?  What's that??  I read farther....poorly-differentiated with necrosis.  Wait, what did that say....Carcinoma.....Cancer???? SHOCK!!!!

I have to print out the reports.  I have to read them twice, three times.  I need to search Google/Wikipedia!!!!  Call my husband, call my mom, call my dad.  Do you know that I stayed at work!  What a ding-a-ling!

So, now comes the rapid-fire progression of diagnosis pathology, doctor appointments, plans.  Keep in mind the Men at Work song: "Ain't nothing gonna hold me down".  I was determined that this would not affect me at all!  I would continue to work (and be awesome)!  Everyone would look at me and say: "Wow, what a fighter, how strong, how brave."  (Funny how that doesn't matter now to me what other people think, but what I feel).  This was a minor thing, to laugh about!

My first concern was of course to maintain the status quo for my family: work, school, girls, etc.  So, no surgery for me!  I'll do chemo first.  I'm so glad for this option because it was the best for me, but it took alot of convincing my friends! (That means you Kaley!)
I did my 3 months of the first round of chemo like a champ (Oct-Dec).  It sucked!  I lost my hair (not that big of a deal though cuz I have a really nice head!), I was nauseous, tired, feeling icky.  But, I only missed about 4-6 days of work during it.  Typical therapy for my type of cancer was a total of 3 drugs.  The third drug I would start in the new year since I was moving back home to Dallas and starting a new job.  I got that round going from Feb-May.  That chemo was a little rougher since I was admitted in the hospital during it.  Let me tell you - I do not like being in the hospital if I'm not being paid!  But, again, overall I did pretty good.  Didn't miss much work (although work was VERY supportive and flexible of my schedule) and kept up with the kids and house (with alot of help from my family!!!!!!).

Chemo: check.  Next step: surgery.  Now, so you all realize: I am a wussy for pain!  I did have natural labors, but I don't consider that pain like surgery.  Ouch!!!  So, it was a difficult decision regarding lumpectomy vs mastectomy.  But, now thinking about it, it was again because I didn't want others to think I was vain or full of myself.  Once I made the decision for mastectomy, I was good with it.  But of course, I don't have much time off: lets do delayed reconstruction so I can get my husband out of school!  So, bilateral mastectomies on 6/1/11.  I was back at work on 6/10/11!  Que chingona! (That's spanish for bad-ass!)  Of course, pathology came back with a positive lymph node.  Dangit

Okay, so now to do radiation when you plan on reconstruction, you need to have the space filled, not the loose tube socks I had hanging from my chest!  So, to the plastic surgeon for tissue expanders and fill those puppies up.  Finally got started on radiation in the end of August.  Almost done!  Almost done!  Counting down the days!  Hey, what's that?  It feels like a lump?

Go to radiation oncologist: might be healing, go see surgeon
Go to mediacal oncologist: go see surgeon
Go to surgeon: lets get an US.  Yeah, let's go get a biopsy.  Dangit again!
Get biopsy (and of course look up my results) and proceed to call the radiation oncologist: "Does this mean I can stop radiation because it's not working?"  Hahaha, silly me!

So, now: another surgery!  But, wait, we're still in radiation!  Don't want to take a break and loose the progress we've made.  So I take a total of 5 days off to do the surgery, then get started right back in to an "improved dosage plan" including extra doses at the end.

I think this recurrence for me was the most difficult.  It forced me to see that I can't take my life for granted.  That this is NOT an easy solution for me to just ignore.  I have to take action, or things will slip by.  Why was this difficult: because it was for me.  Not my husband, kids, family, friends, house...but solely for me.  I think I had a little pity party too, because it wasn't my plan..I had things I wanted to do and this was getting in the way.

Little did I know that this was not the lightbulb for me...... :)

So, new pathology comes back that this tumor is a little different that the first one.  Still aggressive, but we have a targeted therapy to treat this: Herceptin.  Wonderful - sign me up.  Oh, well, you still need chemo (great - let's go for it!) and you'll need another port to get it in since you took out the last one.  Okay, what the heck - I'm a pro at surgery now!

All's going well: I do my procedure, start the treatment and getting ready to start chemo as soon as I have a small break from radiation.  Uh oh: headache.  I don't think headaches are bad.  I thought it was a reaction from the procedure, meds, anesthesia, etc.  I almost didn't even mention it to my oncologist at my next appointment.  But, I did.  She did not take it lightly.  I had a brain MRI scheduled that day.  No worries in my head.  It's just from the meds!  At least until my oncologist called me at 5:45 that night and told me to call her back immediately.  Duh, duh, duh.  I was at a Fall Festival with my kids and all their school!  Not a good time.  But, is there ever a good time?  First time I didn't look up my own results.  "Lesion in brain, right parietal lobe, can't do surgery due to motor involvement."  ------------------------------------------------------- goes my brain, heart and stomach...and then so does my phone!  Get a phone, call my husband, call my family here to gather to tell the news.  I spend my first night of diagnosis comforting my family.  And that made me feel good!  (at first).

I have to share my epiphany, but I'm tired now.  Soooo, I'll keep you all hanging for the next post.  Fortunately, while it took me awhile to get the lightbulb on, it's shining pretty bright, pretty fast!  And I owe it to my friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances and strangers!

Welcome

Hello everyone!