Epiphany

Okay, so I last left you hanging with the promise of epiphany.  And I know you all are amazed that I would know and use that word for me, because usually my word would be "oblivious".

So...as I sat telling my mother and sister,  (Just to clarify, these are my in-laws, but they are the family of my heart: second mother and first sister forever!) I was relishing in my usual role of comforter, explainer, fixer, etc when I realized....I didn't want to do it.  I stopped and then I let them cry.  I let them hurt.  Now, we're family, I KNOW I've hurt them and made them cry before, but it was always (in my mind) unintentional and I could fix it and make it better (see, see, the nurse in me coming out!).  This felt different though.  This felt like I didn't have to fix it.  It is what it was.  I think that gave me a sense of peace.  A deep breath.  My conversation with my husband was similar.  It wasn't a bunch of bawling or dramatics, it was quiet and solemn and I felt resolved to move forward, not sit in defeat.

I think I really calmed to this diagnosis quicker than to the others.  Well, yes...I've had some practice now, but really by Sunday I was not tearful.  At this point my biggest sorrows were for not seeing my daughters grow up: graduation, quinceneras, weddings, grandkids, etc and the stress on my own mom, thinking how she was feeling.  I had already done all my in-depth Google/Wikipedia research, which actually was quite inspiring because I am NOT like all these other Stage IV people.  My goodness: I'm healthy!  This tumor must be growing fast, but my body responds and immediately tells me!  It is so amazing!  (Retrospection is so wonderful - itsn't it?)

So, Monday I go see my therapist and he helped me cement a couple of things:

1. What a kick-ass support system I have of family, friends, co-workers.  There is nothing he can advise me on!
2. I can't take away the pain from my daughter by not telling her and she deserves to have me share this with her.  She needs and deserves to see my true feelings and thoughts and not the "Mom" version.  It might be more painful for me, but she will come out stronger for it

The other thing I came out my session with was the question that how would I know I was faithful enough?  Would I rush to because baptized Catholic (I'm Lutheran, but practice Catholic with the family)?  Would I rush to Mexico and crawl to the Virgin Mary in supplication for her grace and intervention?  Would I go to church every week without fail?  Do I have faith, or am I just putting it out there?  I liken it to training new staff to their new job.  "Fake it until you make it"  Go out and act like how you think I nurse would act and then eventually you'll do it.  But, there are alot of "ways" christians act.  Are all ways full of faith?  I wanted to be genuine, sincere, honest.  These are really important qualities for me and I wanted to BE THEM.  

So, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday.  All stinking week!  I have people from all over writing me on facebook, calling me, supporting me.  We are here for you Andrea!  We will take care of your needs: food, cleaning, kids, money, housing, daycare, christmas, decorating.  Any conceivable need was addressed as "Let me help you."  And I realized - here was my sign!  I can't close my eyes and heart and just use a rationale reason for why people were helping me.  They were helping me because God sent them!  God put me on this path, introduced me to these people, molded me into the person I am, so that I would have this support in the future when I needed it.  Ahhh, the omniscience of the Lord! :)

So now, how can I worry?  How can I presume to have more knowledge than Him?  I can't.  So I don't.  I'm not searching the web (except for the practical matters of surgery and recovery).  I'm not asking why.  I'm not scared.  Ok, well maybe a little scared of post-op pain!  But, overall I'm not fearful.  I feel peace and resolve and hope.  I want to laugh and have fun and enjoy my days at work and with my family.  Oh my goodness I have so much to do before surgery!  

I hope my husband is seeing the light too.  I think he is having the most issues with this and of course, his machismo sometimes gets in the way.  I want him to feel the peace I do and the trust.  I trust, I know, I feel that everything will turn out great.  I will be the 20 year survivor to this.  

I went to the 3-day closing ceremony for Susan G Komen today to support a friend who committed a tremendous amount of time and energy to walk for 3 STINKING DAYS!!!!  Whoo-hooo!!  But, it got me thinking.....introspective like (which is pretty new for me...so watch out!)  When I was first diagnosed, I didn't treat this like a life-long journey. It was a bump in the road, met with a distinct set of plans to remove it and move on with life as we know it.  Now, its not.  It's a life-altering set of plans.  It's a constant reminder to prioritize.  And when I mean prioritize, its about including me and what I want, not what the family wants/needs, work wants/needs.  I need to get down and spend some quiet time with my soul and how I want to feed it.  I think this exposure to all these different people will help me grow in that direction!  I'm so excited to think about the future and all the wonderful things that it holds!

Well, it took quite a bit for me to get my epiphany, but I've never been good at taking hints!  However, I plan to do my best to make the best situation out of this.

Thank you all for helping me find this light and peace.  I could NOT have done it without you!