Fear

So, I've been thinking a lot on this topic.  It turns out my children are totally fearful of almost everything.  They are scared someone will come to the house and take them (even when I'm home).  They are scared of walking 100 feet to my brother's house when it's dark (the coyotes will eat me).  They are scared of such remote risks, but then do stupid things that are risky (not putting on their seatbelt immediately - I still have to remind them, running wild in a parking lot, etc).  I look back on my own childhood and remember climbing trees to the top and I was swaying with the breeze.  I remember when I decided to walk home without telling anyone in elementary school.  I think it was like a 2-3 mile trip home.  I don't know if the difference is in personality or in environment and parenting, but it is something that is very hard for me to comprehend - fear of something happening.  My husband would call it naivety.  I'm just too naive or trusting to see the bad (in people, in a situation, etc).  I prefer to call it faith.  I will admit I have made some bad judgements in my life, but I  have had faith that everything would turn out okay (maybe not as a teenager, but in adult life). I found a saying at the beginning of my cancer journey and I  keep it in my office to remind me.  "Never borrow from the future.  If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain.  Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."  I have tried to follow this advice during my fight with breast cancer.  What good does worrying do?  Will it change what happens?  What good does questioning why do?  I have cancer.  Instead of lamenting the past, or worrying about the future, better to focus on the present.  

These thoughts have been in my mind as I contemplate my cancer recurrence.  I think the only things that really make me worry, or be fearful is the unknown - what will happen?  How can I make it easy for the people around me?  What can I expect to happen (the details).  My other fear is failure - letting people down.  I really haven't felt the fear and sadness that I felt the first time around.  I think it is because it is not unknown anymore.  While I don't yet have a treatment plan, I have pretty much done all the options - I know how chemotherapy is, I've done radiation, I've had surgeries and port placements and all sorts of stuff.  So the mechanics of cancer treatment is known to me.  I have a picture in my mind of how chemotherapy is administered, how my body responds, and how the cancer responds (staying in the positive frame of mind - cancer dies, minimal side effects!).  

So, I'm facing this new challenge with positivity and faith.  I am at peace with my life, I think I'm living a better life now than I was 6 years ago.  I have a wonderful husband and a great relationship with him.  I have kids that, although fearful, are curious, questioning, healthy and challenging (as all kids are).  I have family that support me through thick and thin and are always there for a break and work hard to help me out.  I have awesome friends who are only a text away from giving me a hug, a laugh or a drink!  I try to yell less, judge less, stress less, laugh more, enjoy the moment and accept people for who they are, not who I want them to be.  I may not succeed every day, but I try! :)