So, I've been requested to give physical status updates as well as the introspective and spiritual insights! So I will oblige my loyal followers! :)
It's starting to drain on me. I have always prided myself on being "strong" and moving forward despite how I feel. It was important to me to meet whatever goals I had set for myself and not letting anything stop me. (Although I loved to whine about it - right Baylor girls!!!). So, being so weak and dependent on others has been a difficult journey for me. I don't trust myself to drive, so everyone takes me places. I feel really woozy and discombobulated. During the weekend I almost passed out. That was a scary feeling. Fortunately David was there to help me through it. It makes me a little nervous for surgery. Past surgeries I have been home really soon and I didn't make any demands on the nursing staff. I'm nervous for this one. I haven't been thinking about it because I can't change it. Whatever will happen will be outside my control!! Whew!! How scary!!! But, back to that whole trust in the Lord thing I'm going with. It does help. I'll be praying in church for Him to keep that faith and good feelings in my heart!!
Good thing that this is almost done! It's really hard to think and I don't think I could hide it from work much longer!! Everyone has been so understanding and supportive, so I am so sad to not be able to do what I want for them. I so want this to be over so I can do those projects I want to do!!! So much to do, so little time to do it right!!!
Went to church this evening. I really needed to connect. As the days get closer, it gets harder to ignore what's going to happen. I have to say, I'm really scared. I'm trying not to show it, cause there is nothing to do about it, but I cry ever time I think about it. I hate to have people see me cry!! But what can you do. Surgery is scary. Brain surgery is scarier! I'm gonna keep going back to what I know, the fear of the unknown is worse than all. That's what I think has me in its grips. It was good to go to church and hear about the role of the faithful: be obedient, be faithful and have courage. That's what I need to focus on: do my part, have faith and courage and God will protect me. He has do so far and he will not let me down. It's a hard path for a woman that always wants to know the right answer, to understand the problem! Ohh, I anticipate a bunch of tears in the next couple of days. Hopefully everyone can stay strong for me! Just give me a hug, dang it!
I feel like I was a little rambly today....but I'm gonna use the excuse that I have a brain tumor! I only have that excuse for 2 more days! I gotta get good use out of it!
Love ya all!
So...do virtual hugs feel as good as physical ones? If so, I just sent you one. It's hard, not being in control and knowing the beginning from the end. Believe me. I come from the same camp. But this is your opportunity to learn how to do that. It's okay to let others take care of you. Yes, you deserve it. It's okay to be scared. It is a huge unknown. But always remember that there is someone greater than you and I who IS in control, who DOES know the beginning from the end and who DOES know esactly why all this is happening. Take it moment by moment and trust in that and that will keep you from going crazy. Also, be certain that there is such an army of people calling on God to see you through this that if He were human, He wouldn't have time for anyone else! Hang tight sister! You are at the precipous. It will be rough for a little while, but there will be peace on the other side!!
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